Hatrack River Writers Workshop: ccwbass thinks he's got his 13 lines

This is topic ccwbass thinks he's got his 13 lines in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by ccwbass (Member # 1850) on :

13 lines, 12 point courier, word for windows, spaces equal new paragraphs
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Bendryn's eyes fixed on the waning embers in the hearth and premonition gripped him like a fist around his chest: Fire and death will come too soon, too soon.

"Stop trembling, scholar," said one knight, adjusting his own armor. "We'll not fail you, Luthien and I."

"Cadmir's right," said Luthien. "It's a pity you're not a wizard, but we trust you, and that trinket of yours."

Only if there's time to use it, thought Bendryn. We needed days, not hours. How much death for lack of time?

There was a knock, then a voice: "The ritual has started! Come quickly!" Bad tidings! Now they had only minutes, so they ran, ran to kill a god at its birth.
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s'alright?

[This message has been edited by ccwbass (edited January 10, 2004).]

Posted by Kolona (Member # 1438) on :

Okay, CW, how about keeping to one thread so we can compare these things easier? (she belly-ached)

Other than the first paragraph, I like the previous version better. (And yet, can a fist go around a chest -- unless it's a giant fist?) You went back to the vague "knight" again when the names worked so well, and the dialogue didn't flow as well. In fact, Luthien's statement after he snorts (which so fit his statement) gave us a nice hint of Bendryn's character and how these three feel about each other.

I keep forgetting to mention, the "Bad tidings!" comment weakens the piece. You might consider trying it without that exclamation.

Of course, this is all MHO.

[This message has been edited by Kolona (edited January 10, 2004).]

Posted by ccwbass (Member # 1850) on :

Aaaaaand, Ive changed it again, but this time I integrated it with the story, which also received some changes.

Tell you what; it's easy to lose control of the story when one obsesses over the first page of text.

[This message has been edited by ccwbass (edited January 10, 2004).]

Posted by Lord Darkstorm (Member # 1610) on :

quote:
Tell you what; it's easy to lose control of the story when one obsesses over the first page of text.

Sometimes you need to loose some control and let the story tell itself a bit. Most of my stories can change drasticly from first draft to second....and third...and so on.

Don't worry about it.