I haven’t traveled far, but I’ve traveled forever. As long as I can remember I’ve been walking. Sometimes I make my home under trees or behind rocks. Sometimes I simply fall where I am until rain or hunger wakes me. My burden is my empty soul. Tears are my food and hidden shame my drink. I have seen no hope in this world. The wind howls at me and the clouds call my name but I’ve never reached them. And I am not the only one of my kind. The others wear their masks but their hypocrisy is as cheap as mine. They hide the burden I display, but I walk when I know there is no where to go. We are liars all. As I lift my head from the dusty road and look into the bleak beyond I can still see no end. The road continues. And so must I.
[This message has been edited by mogservant (edited February 08, 2004).]
[This message has been edited by mogservant (edited February 08, 2004).]
That said, I like it as a stand-alone, and would like to see the work that it opens. The effective use of contradiction to imply complex meanings and the syncopation of forms are attractive and keep the feel of the prose from becoming too stilted.
But if I hate the rest of it I will blame you.
As for your story, wow that was poetic. I was almost so caught up in the language that I didn't notice the story! That is both good and bad. Let me say honestly, that I would keep reading this piece for a while. Two things would need to happen, one relatively quickly, to keep me reading after a while has lapsed. First, I need to see things start to happen, find a sense that this book is actually gooing to go somewhere. You caught me with your language, you have to keep me with your story, which I haven't seen yet. Second, you have to keep the language flowing, without making the entire story as cryptic as the first paragraph. If by the end of page two you've dropped the tone completely I'll have lost faith in you. On the other hand, if you keep it too elevated I might actually decide it's too much work to read.
Anyway, it worked because the change in point of view happened between chapters. I would think that either a chapter break of a transition (double blank line) would be absolutely necessary for a point of view switch.
Sonds like an interesting and difficult project, I wish you luck with it.
quote:
Tears are my food and hidden shame my drink.
I'd think "hidden shame" would be the food and "tears" the drink.
Its hard to "eat" tears, but a healthy serving of shame is always filling.
[This message has been edited by somnambulous (edited February 08, 2004).]
quote:
Just read your reply about the first and third person....I've seen this done one time successfully, but I can't remember the name of the author. It was Mike somebody...(yeah, like that helps!)Anyway, it worked because the change in point of view happened between chapters. I would think that either a chapter break of a transition (double blank line) would be absolutely necessary for a point of view switch.
Yeah, this can be tricky to do well. I would suggest something like OSC does in Ender's Game, perhaps, with a short section (say in first person) set in a different font, and then cut to the main story again in third person. Or possibly what R A Salvatore does in The Thousand Orcs: the book is split into four sections, and each section opens with a few pages that read basically like a journal entry from the protagonist (in first person).
[This message has been edited by TheoPhileo (edited February 08, 2004).]
Just in case you missed it.
And . . . "We are liars all." Good poetic license, but I don't feel it fits with the rest of the style. Maybe "We are liars, every one of us." Really, it's fine, but I think it imposes a change of rythym/pace.
Good work, but I too would expect action SOON after so heavy a set of prose.
quote:
Just read your reply about the first and third person....I've seen this done one time successfully, but I can't remember the name of the author. It was Mike somebody...(yeah, like that helps!)
Anne Rice does it, in The Queen of the Damned (random note: why does Hollywood insist on dropping 'the' from names of stories they convert to films?), with some sections told 1st person by Lestat and other sections (many of which involve Lestat) in 3rd person.