Hatrack River Writers Workshop: I have put this off too long

This is topic I have put this off too long in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by PE_Sharp (Member # 1654) on :

OK. Here are the first lines of a recent short SF-satire piece I have been sitting on a while.

Tell me if you are interested in having the rest sent to you. All are welcome.

quote:

Captain Matt Reeding approached the food prep-robot for a bit of a boost. It had been seven days since leaving the trade post, seven days of mind numbing, uneventful, interstellar travel.
"Give me a cup of joe, made with that new pattern." The Captain said requesting the spoils of the latest trading visit.
It was the best coffee on the ship, and the Captain accepted the mug without comment. That said the coffee was still rather poor. Matt involuntarily his gritted crooked teeth as the hot brown liquid met his tongue.

ps Christine, this is a more complete, revised version of the story you already saw the beggining of, a while ago.

Posted by EricJamesStone (Member # 1681) on :

I don't get a satirical vibe from this beginning.

However, since I like satirical SF, I'd be willing to give the whole story a try. Feel free to e-mail it to me.

Posted by PE_Sharp (Member # 1654) on :

Eric,

I have sent you the text as an email. If you prefer another format just let me know.

The satirical elements are subtle, mostly confined to pokes at certain icons, and oversights of various-media SF. The story is serious nonetheless. I doubt many will laugh out loud, but I hope most everybody gets it, or at least, I hope enough people get it and help me make it better, so even more people get it.

Posted by RillSoji (Member # 1920) on :

I like this intro and would defiantely keep reading out of mild curiousity. (Feel free to send me a copy as well though I warn I'm new and just learning the ropes.

)

One comment about your first line though. You start out with a formal title "Captain Matt Reeding". Personally I think that if Matthew is his full name you should use that instead of just Matt because of the formal way you're refering to him.

Posted by Jules (Member # 1658) on :

Just a quick comment - looking at what you've posted, you're capitalising 'Captain' when its used as a reference to the person rather than his title. My understanding is that you shouldn't do so in this case, at least according to British style guidelinks (I have no idea what Elements of Style says on the matter but the Oxford Manual of Style agrees with me). Captain Reeding should be the captain, not the Captain.

Posted by PE_Sharp (Member # 1654) on :

Jules,

Thanks, must have got that rule backwards.

RillSoji,

Funny, I always just thought of him as Matt. Maybe he should be Matthew, but it almost sounds too respectable for him. I will think on it.

To everyone else,

Does the lack of very many responses, or volunteer readers, indicate I should re-tool my beginning and they try again? Or are people just not inclined to reading an intellectual satire?

ps. Eric, Did you get it?

BTW Christine, if you are still agreeable to me re-sending you this story, tell me.

Posted by TruHero (Member # 1766) on :

I'll give it a go, it sounds interesting. Shoot me an e-mail, I will look at it next week, if you'd like. Send it as text in the e-mail or Word .doc file would be fine.

One comment though, "gritted" and "his" are reversed in order. Shouldn't it be "gritted his crooked teeth...."

Posted by PE_Sharp (Member # 1654) on :

Thanks Truhero,

It is on its way.

Man! What an obvious **** up. I got a chuckle at that. How a person be so blind to his own words is a total mystery to me.]

Thanks again.

PE Sharp.

Posted by Kolona (Member # 1438) on :

I'm just not that crazy about satire period.

Posted by mogservant (Member # 1739) on :

The lack of response is most likely because what you posted was so short. "Captain bored. Captain get coffee." However, as a fan of satire, I'm interested. I'd take a look if you still want feedback.

Posted by PE_Sharp (Member # 1654) on :

quote:
The lack of response is most likely because what you posted was so short. "Captain bored. Captain get coffee." However, as a fan of satire, I'm interested. I'd take a look if you still want feedback

'If' I still want feedback, hahahah. lol. Here it comes.

And on the topic of coffee, well that is a vital plot development.

PE Sharp