Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Critiquers Wanted...Inquire Within

This is topic Critiquers Wanted...Inquire Within in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by cvgurau (Member # 1345) on :

Here is a story that some of you may have read before...sort of. I've put it up for critique before, and I've recieved good reviews, and bad reviews, and was grateful for both. But at the end of the day, something just seemed wrong. Too many info dumps, I think. Either way, I scrapped the story and rewrote it.

It's better, I think, by far. But you be the judge. Read the first 13 lines, and decide if you want to read the rest.

Enjoy

quote:
“There the creature lies,” Caleb Farmer said. “For four days I’ve watched him; he does not venture forth during the day. He likely sleeps now. It’s an opportune time for attack.”
“What do you suggest, Caleb?” asked John Carter, a man on his third hunt this month, yet only his fifth over all. Selections were slim these days, each dragon seemingly younger and less experienced than the last. So young, in fact, that their bounty was hardly enough to split between the thirteen men, let alone their families.
“Two shall go in, provoke the dragon, draw him out,” Caleb said to the group of men he had assembled. “You and I, John, shall be the two. We are the most experienced in such matters. When the dragon comes out, we will ambush him. If possible, try to disable his tail. Next to his fiery breath, it is his greatest weapon.”
“Also,” said John. “If you can, cut his tendons below the calves. This will disable him, make him unable to walk. But be cautious. Such creatures possess a speed borne of the darkest and deepest hell. They move almost too quickly to see.”

There it is.

CVG

PPS--the title WAS Sacrifice for Survival, but 1) I didn't particularly like it, and 2)It doesn't particularly apply anymore, I don't think, so if you have any suggestions, don't be shy to shout them out. You don't even have to raise your hand, or nuthin'.

[This message has been edited by cvgurau (edited February 14, 2004).]

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

As pure dialogue, this works quite well. There is a bit of incongruity when Caleb speaks directly to John and then goes on talking to the group without any signal. I knew he was talking to the rest, and John was doing the same, because it wouldn't make any sense for him to say these things to John (and vice versa). But that was the only reason.

A problem that doens't really crop up yet, but will once you start doing something other than dialogue, is that you haven't established the POV yet. This is one reason that I don't favor beginning with a line of dialogue, dialogue doesn't establish the POV, and the temptation is to put off establishing the POV till the characters are done talking.

With dialogue this sparse, in which the motives for all the characters to say their lines and listen to each other are all very clear (they all want to avoid getting crisped and eaten), knowing the POV off the bat isn't important to understand the dialogue itself. So kicking off with a POV establishment would mostly be to avoid halting the narrative right when the action starts to clarify your POV. There is also the consideration of convention, but if you handle it deftly enough, a compelling snippet of dialogue followed by a smooth introduction into the POV would work in your favor with many readers that pay attention to that sort of thing (because, of course, they will be half expecting you to flub it).

I think that I would like to see the rest, but wait till Monday to send it.

Posted by Alias (Member # 1645) on :

Sorry i just ran out of time and can't read/critique the whole thing. From what I did read I would suggest trying the word, "ever," in for where you have "over all," just helps flow a bit.

Good luck!