Hatrack River Writers Workshop: 13 from ccwbass

This is topic 13 from ccwbass in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=000200

Posted by ccwbass (Member # 1850) on :

Having just offered an opinion on something, it would be unfair of me not to post something of my own. So, here we are.
The last two words actually begin the 14th line, but I didn't want to cut off the sentence.

Is this an opening that would keep you reading, or is it too, I dunno, [your adjective here]?
-----------------------------
[P] Silhe left his council with the High King and walked through the halls of the ancient castle, remembering. He despaired of these meetings. Always he gave the same education, always he offered the same terrible choice, and always the High King chose peace and prosperity for the kingdom. Let us wake or let us die, Silhe thought. This burden is a hell.

[P] He took his time returning to the tree. He left that prison of root and branch solely to counsel each new High King, and every time he held back on returning as long as he could to walk the castle grounds -- a kind of self-imposed penance, he supposed. He walked through room and hall, passing through stone and beam like a ghost.
----------------------------------------

Cameron

Posted by punahougirl84 (Member # 1731) on :

quote:
[P] Silhe left his council with the High King and walked through the halls of the ancient castle, remembering. He despaired of these meetings. Always he gave the same education, always he offered the same terrible choice, and always the High King chose peace and prosperity for the kingdom. Let us wake or let us die, Silhe thought. This burden is a hell.
[P] He took his time returning to the tree. He left that prison of root and branch solely to counsel each new High King, and every time he held back on returning as long as he could to walk the castle grounds -- a kind of self-imposed penance, he supposed. He walked through room and hall, passing through stone and beam like a ghost.

It was interesting enough to me that I would read on. If your interested, here were my thoughts:
- I'm pronouncing "Silhe" as "silly" in my head, and visualizing an elf-type guy
- "despaired of these meetings" - I know what you are saying, it just felt awkward, though I've seen such wording before. I like the meaning, just felt odd reading it
- same issue with "gave the same education" - understood, but made me pause, pulling me out of the story a bit
- definitely intrigued about why your protagonist is upset over the High King choosing peace and prosperity!
- describing the tree as a prison is unique and interesting, especially when I'm visualizing an elf-type who would not usually feel that way, so the story feels fresh and different
- if he can pass through stone and beam like a ghost, then I have to reassess my image of him, and am definitely wondering what he is!

So while a couple of things gave me pause, this little bit would keep me going!

Lee

Posted by ccwbass (Member # 1850) on :

Thanks, Lee. The name "Silhe" performs the proper function, then. And your pause at "education" is, actually, a good thing. [my eyebrows raise and lower, Groucho-like]

Posted by Kolona (Member # 1438) on :

Good start -- though after the Groucho leer I'm wondering if there's a punchline coming.

quote:
Silhe left his council with the High King

Do you mean 'the' council or his 'counseling session' or some such thing or did Silhe own the High King's council?

You might leave off the 'on' in "on returning."

The only odd thing that crossed my mind was that if he considered the tree a prison, how could being away from it be a penance?

Carry on.

Posted by ccwbass (Member # 1850) on :

quote:
The only odd thing that crossed my mind was that if he considered the tree a prison, how could being away from it be a penance?

That question gets answered in the next paragraph. Silhe's been doing this a long, long time, and the castle, to keep a story vague, was part of the, um, problem that's tied in, er, to, uh, this stuff that happened. He'd be happier not remembering at all, but since he's there, he may as well smack himself a few times with the proverbial lash, because, um, you know. . . .

Or is it: you know . . .

ANyway,

Council - because he was literally in a council meeting with the High King, even though said council was attended by only the High King and Silhe (you don't know that yet),

And Counsel because that's what he offers. I should probably find a different word set.

Cameron

[This message has been edited by ccwbass (edited March 06, 2004).]

Posted by grendelkahn (Member # 1937) on :

It intrests me.

I am definitly left wanting to know more about two things. First off what is the terrible choice and secondly who is Silhe (who I also pronounced Silly) and what's his burden.

Sounds good

Posted by EricJamesStone (Member # 1681) on :

I thought it was interesting and potentially annoying.

If this is the type of story where we don't really find out what's going on until the twist ending -- even though the POV character clearly knows -- then I would be annoyed. I'd probably finish reading the story anyway, but no matter how cool the twist, I would feel a bit cheated.

If, on the other hand, you're going to bring the reader up to speed fairly quickly on the background, so the situation is a starting-point for the story, rather than being the point of the story, then I don't have a problem with it.

Posted by kinglear (Member # 1932) on :

Since other people have mentioned it, I'd thought that I thought you would pronounce Silhe more like Seal than silly, but thats just me.

Also, I think the flow is interesting. After reading it I was left wondering about the story. Is the story about the high king making a choice or is it about Silhe? While the text seems to suggest that Silhe is the focus of the story, I had to wonder what twist within the story was going to lead to Silhe not returning to his tree. Or if the story would take place within the tree or some other dimension, as a person who can "pass through stone and beam like a ghost" might be bound to the tree only physically, not spiritually.

Overall it makes me want to keep reading if only to find out where the story is going. But, as was pointed out in my 'first lines second try' thread, 13 lines can only go so far and leaves many unanswered questions. anyways, those were my immediate thoughts.

-jon-

EDIT: dumb typos

[This message has been edited by kinglear (edited March 06, 2004).]

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

This is an interesting premise. I'm guessing that the High King has to sacrifice someone or something to keep the bargain with whatever powers he represents. Traditionally, this would be either the King's life or that of one of his children...with the choice being so invarient, I think it must be the King's own life.

The initial phrase doesn't quite work for me...perhaps it could be rephrased so that it starts in the present moment rather than the past. "Silhe walked through the halls of the ancient castle after leaving his requisite council with the new High King, lost in memory/remembering other councils/repeating countless remembered walks through these same halls." As you can see, I also favor increasing the specificity of that line.

"Let us wake or let us die, Silhe thought." This is good, but it also is a bit confusing, because Silhe seems other than the High King and his kingdom. Intriguing, but not in an entirely good way. I sense a possibility for even greater dramatic tension if you gave more of a hint as to the identity of the "us" that should either wake or die. I'm guessing that it is his fellow ghostly sorts, kobolds and dryads and the like, but I think a little clue will add much to the readers ability to engage the story at this point.

"He took his time returning to the descriptor/specifier tree." Again, I would like the line to be more specific, particularly because this tree seems quite likely to be special or peculiar in some way.

"He walked through room and wall, passing through stone and beam like a ghost." Mostly this change is too make the sense of the phrase clearer, but it is also because you already used "halls" earlier.

Note that these changes are meant to be illustrative rather than prescriptive. I also would like to see the rest.

Posted by ccwbass (Member # 1850) on :

Eric,

For the record, no twist ending.

Survivor,

This will be my next story for the group.

Posted by EricJamesStone (Member # 1681) on :

I don't object to twist endings; in fact, I love twist endings. What I don't like is twist endings that rely on cheating: where the author has to intentionally obscure our understanding of what the POV character is thinking in order to hide a surprise until the end.

The POV character is really a woman instead of a man!

The POV character makes the Tastee Treets (TM) he's been selling out of people!

Posted by ccwbass (Member # 1850) on :

Well, in this case, maybe there's a little twist: The Keebler elves are going sugar-free. Silhe is the sugar rep with a double agenda.

Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :

I was intrigued enough to read a little further...but things better start making sense soon or I'll give it up. The opint of view character seems to be narrating in vague generatlities designed to throw me off, when a few cimple words might have clarified things right away.

Posted by ccwbass (Member # 1850) on :

I've already re-done the first 13 lines, making it a little less (or, depending one one's POV, a little more) vague. I'd post the change, but the trouble is that it's just gonna change again. Several times, in fact, between now and, say, next weekend. (My love is the one that dare not speak its name: Revision. I just can't get enough of it.)

Still, as always, comments from the gallery have been helpful. Hey - I'm halfway through with the thing, which is more than I could say before I started this thread. Thank you all.