Ivan peaked into the red room, observing his baby sister doing cartwheels in front of the vidcorder; or rather trying to do cartwheels, as she fell on her head as often as she clumsily completed the cartwheel. The elder brother could not help but wonder when his little sister would grow up and act her age. He had certainly never vidcorded himself doing cartwheels. No, at the ripe age of seven, Ivan knew everything. Celeste quickly put herself between him and the corder as Ivan erupted into her room, already surveying the work to be done. “Stop being silly Celeste, or Captain Greybeard will choke you dead in your dreams.” I wish the old geazer would. The old sailor peered down fiercely from the painting on the wall at all that met his gaze. His eyes seemed to assure a swift death to those before him, after he finished the tobacco in his pipe of course. The spectator to this spectacle watched apathetically in silence. He of course remembered these events, and what he thought when he first witnessed them, but it was odd to “hear” the thoughts left unspoken.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Okay, this is weird enough that I'd keep reading...for a time. How long is it?
By the by, I think that you mean "peeked", not "peaked"...though the image that line brings to mind is also weird.
"I wish the old geazer would" needs a tag to indicate that it is stream of consciousness, since none of the rest of the text is.
"The spectator to this spectacle watched..." this is weird, and interesting, but I suspect it of being merely a mistake.
Still, on balance...I'd like to know how long this piece is
Posted by stevenrushing (Member # 1915) on :
yeah, the peeked was incorrect, but i used the spectator/spectacle on purpose, perhaps badly. the piece is 7300 words and complete minus some tweeking. =)
oh yeah, and the 'i wish the old geazer would' should be in italics or something to show it is a thought, but i couldnt do that on this board...
[This message has been edited by stevenrushing (edited March 14, 2004).]
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
I didn't mean the juxtaposition of "spectator" and "spectacle", I meant the sudden switch to a POV not previously indicated by the text. That last minute appearance and the POV itself are both strange, and intresting. But either might be a mistake.
Posted by stevenrushing (Member # 1915) on :
actually, that change of pov was purposeful, and almost constant in the story. the watcher goes unseen by any other characters in the seen, and pops in and out with his comments, or views of the scene. actually, he is always there, but his pov pops in and out of the text without solid bar lines to indicate a change in pov. =)
Posted by Jules (Member # 1658) on :
Even set in italics, I'm not sure about the 'I wish...' sentence. It just doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the passage, probably because of the first person present aspect of it in an otherwise third person setting...
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Ah, good. How long is this story?
And were you looking for readers, or just crits on the flow of the first 13 lines?
Posted by stevenrushing (Member # 1915) on :
actually i could use a reader or two. it is complete. i guess you guys comments might be correct, but only a complete read would say whether the third person telling of the story plus the first person thoughts the observer "hears" go together well enough...
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
I'll give it a whirl (caution, whirling may cause dizziness, nausea, and whiplash ).
