It was odd to feel the earth curl beneath his tattered body. The sun was shining, a bright and irritating glow that still somehow made him want to smile. The grass rippled and a sigh escaped his torn lips. The earth seemed to caress him like a mother clutches her firstborn.
They would be after him soon, he knew. They would come with whips and clouds to block out the sun and lash him into submission. He would run, as he always did, but it was more ritual then resource.
It was odd to feel the earth curl beneath his tattered body. The sun was shining, a bright and irritating glow that still somehow made him want to smile. The grass rippled and a sigh escaped his torn lips. The earth seemed to caress him like a mother clutches her firstborn.
They would be after him soon, he knew. They would come with whips and clouds to block out the sun and lash him into submission. He would run, as he always did, but it was more ritual then resource.
He would start, body shivering with warmth from the sun, and force his limbs into a mocker y of a sprint. He would hobble forward, his left leg falling heavier than his right. He had been beaten once, and during the course of it, he had kicked out at his tormentors. THe kick had broken a rib, and his masters paid special attention to the offending limb. They had cut it with knives, burned it with smoking brands and broken it several times
Have you ever seen "The Great Escape?"
This character has the making of a leader. His resolve would strengthen his troops or rally the revolt. Hopefully you were planning on adding that, along with a good setting. And maybe even a name, but I'm not greedy.
~James
Hi Ho Silver!
[This message has been edited by FiveSides (edited April 13, 2004).]
"The grass rippled and a sigh escaped his torn lips. The earth seemed to caress him like a mother clutches her firstborn."
<shudder> For some reason, these sentences actually made me uncomfortable reading. I also completely missed the anology. Well, not completely, but I did not think it was a good anology.
Then we get to what, IMHO, what the biggest problem. The second paragraph. The entire paragraph is about what is going to happen in the future and what has happened in the past and it is only the second paragraph! What's going on now? It's not quite a flashback, but neither does it ground us in your story.
Did it get my attention? That's such a vague question, really. If you want to know if I would keep reading then I'm afraid that the answer is no, but that it is possible, if not probably, that the greatest problem here is the way you began. You do not have the sylistic or writing errors that I see so frequently around here, which means there is hope of improvement. (Once again, IMO on all counts.)
[This message has been edited by Christine (edited April 13, 2004).]