Hatrack River Writers Workshop: first 13. what do you think?

This is topic first 13. what do you think? in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=000256

Posted by HetMasteen (Member # 2004) on :

Here are the first 13 (actually 12) lines of my new story. what do you think?
PS: my grammer is terrible, being that i live in Israel and taught myself most of my advanced language skills.

One day, people just stopped caring. History had seen cases of people not caring, but this was different. This time it actually caused something other than the alienation of one’s surroundings. This time it actually had consequences. It was called Psylence.
Psylence was the physical manifestation of people not caring. It resembled catatonia and certain cases of comas but there was no apparent cause, which is why it took so long to be properly diagnosed. When a person reached the phase where he didn’t care anymore, he just stopped. Stopped talking, stopped reacting to the world around him, stopped living. Except for their vital functions, they were essentially dead.
The main problem with Psylence was that once a person stopped caring, he couldn’t be brought to care again. And things were tried; all types of stimuli were applied, but nothing worked. The process of one’s downward spiral towards apathy was irreversible. It made people mad. It made them stop caring. Psylence was contagious.

please help me with stupid mistakes and such...
thanx

Posted by EricJamesStone (Member # 1681) on :

I think you have an intriguing idea here.

I think the biggest problem with this passage is you have no character. It's like you're giving us a lecture.

Give us a character so we can put this in context. Whether it's someone who's looking after a relative who has contracted Psylence, a doctor who's overwhelmed with patients, whatever. We need a character to help us sympathize.

Posted by HetMasteen (Member # 2004) on :

actually, in a second version of this story, i do have a character: a senator who's wife has it...
i just wanted to post the meat of the idea... expect another post from me soon

Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :

I also thought the general idea a very intriguing one. I'll wait for you to update with Eric's suggestion before I say much more. I too am screaming for a character--and a setting. Create a scene for me to come into.