Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Synopsis of YA fantasy novel

This is topic Synopsis of YA fantasy novel in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :

Gosh, I hate writing these. My fondest dream is to have enough money so that I can afford to have someone else write these. It's like having to write a book report about your own book. Anyway. I am looking for a reader or two to look over my synopsis and tell me if it makes any sense or is too dreadful to read. There. That's a stunning sales pitch.

Here's the first thirteen lines of the synopsis for "Two Ordinary Children"

(These are edited lines based on the feedback I've gotten both here and offsite from silver6, survivor, and Kolona. Thanks.)
----

MARIE and KENNEDY GARISON have just moved to China because of their father's job at the American Consulate. Besides culture shock, they also have a new baby sister.

And then two cats somehow make their apartment elevator carry Marie and Kennedy below the building’s basement. The doors open on a forest where a beautiful Chinese woman waits with a bronze pot.

The woman binds the children. As they struggle to escape, Kennedy bites the woman's hand. A golden blur flashes across the sky landing between them and the woman. A short fight later, the woman snatches the bonze pot off the table, fleeing into the air, and the children realize that their rescuer is a monkey.

He introduces himself as SUN WUKUNG, THE MONKEY KING. Kennedy shows him a small bone that came off when he bit the woman’s hand. The Monkey King declares that the bone belongs to the infamous BONE DEMON. It turns out that the demon did not want the Marie and Kennedy; it wanted their baby sister.

[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited May 07, 2004).]

Posted by Silver6 (Member # 1415) on :

I'll be giving it a look. E-mail is in the profile.
Before I forget...From your synopsis it would seem that one of the children, or both, is the POV character. That said, it seems decidedly strange that they should know the Chinese lady speaks Mandarin, where you have previously implied that they were both unfamiliar with Chinese culture.

[This message has been edited by Silver6 (edited May 03, 2004).]

Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :

See, this is why I hate writing a synopsis. Marie and Kennedy have to take Mandarin at the international school they attend, though neither of them speaks it well. It's dealt with in the first three paragraphs of the book, but seems like an extraneous detail in the synopsis. So- do I add the detail, or change the word Mandarin to Chinese? My only concern about just saying Chinese is that I don't want someone to look at it and think, "she hasn't done her research" since there isn't just one Chinese language.

Oh, yes. Both kids are POV characters, but I did avoid the pitfall of having them both be POV at the same time. Is that something that I need to somehow indicate in the synopsis?

Thanks,
Mary

[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited May 03, 2004).]

Posted by Kolona (Member # 1438) on :

Actually, a synopsis doesn't have to explain all the details of why and how. Editors know that. It's not what they're looking for in a synopsis. They want an encapsulated version to see the big picture. If the skeleton is strong, then they'll take a look at the rest of the body, but if it's defective, the musculature doesn't matter.

I understand your dislike of writing synopses, Mary, and I won't say I love doing them, but I have to say I learned quite a bit doing mine. Knowing that publication will demand book jacket blurbs and other review material, as well as the expectation that you can talk about your story, try to look at your synopsis as your preparation for all that.

And don't stop at a one- or two- page synopsis, which is what this sounds like with the first sentence you have here, as if it's part of a query letter. Write a five-page synopsis and see what details then become important. Write a one-sentence commercial blurb to have ready for "elevator talk." Become an expert on your own story.

Having said all that, I'd be happy to take a look.

Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :

Ah, Kolona. You caught me. I used my query letter as a jumping off point and should probably delete the first two paragraphs.

The synopsis is six pages long. I also have one sentance, one paragraph, and one page versions. My manuscript has been ready to go to publishers for months, but I've been struggling with the synopsis.

Should I include my query letter with the synopsis, for context, when I'm sending it to you?

Thanks,
Mary

Posted by EricJamesStone (Member # 1681) on :

I'm sure someone will correct me if I'm wrong (i.e., Survivor will if someone else doesn't first), but I believe that written Chinese is the same for Mandarin and Cantonese, even though the spoken languages are different. So I don't think you would specify that something was written in Mandarin; you would just say it was written in Chinese.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

That is correct. But there are two distinct written Chinese languages now, "Simplified" (or Commie-script) and "Traditional" (actual Chinese writing). There are also about four or five different Chinese phonetic notations, though you wouldn't use them for actual writing (and they are not languages in and of themselves).

But you could specify that a woman spoke in Mandarin Chinese...though that would be slightly redundant since it is assumed that spoken Chinese is Mandarin unless otherwise stipulated (or unless you happen to be in a Cantonese speaking region, like Hong Kong). Even in areas where many people speak some other dialect, Mandarin is usually also spoken.

If this is taking place in Guangzhou, I would specify that the writing was in the traditional characters, which the children would have some difficulty reading if they had been learning Commie-script at school. Obviously, a woman living in a mystic forest isn't going to write in Commie-script.

Anyway, I find the concept rather interesting. I wouldn't mind reading it (don't rely on me for information about living in present day Communist China, though). Do take Kolona's advice to write a longer version and then pare it down.

Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :

Good spot on the written Mandarin thing. That's just a silly mistake, especially since I've taken Mandarin. You can tell the difference between spoken Mandarin and Cantonese because Cantonese uses tones that Mandarin does not. NOT that I'm going to get into that in the synopsis. I'll just try to clean it up so I don't need to explain things. The story starts in Guangzhou, which is the heart of Canton, so it is significant that these people are speaking Mandarin, though perhaps an unneeded detail in the synopsis.

I've edited the synopsis and reposted the first thirteen lines at the top.

[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited May 04, 2004).]

Posted by AeroB1033 (Member # 1956) on :

Well, this alone has succeeded in making me want to read the story, so I'd say you've done a pretty good job. One thing I'd suggest is slicing back the first few sentences a little--they don't really hook (the real hook doesn't come until the cats pop up).

Details like the name of the town (it'd suffice to say that they just moved to China), the fact that their parents were going out (self-explanatory to say that they're babysitting their younger sister, you don't need to confuse matters by adding a couple more tags for the parents), and the deal about them just having come home from school all don't need to pop up yet, if at all.

The reason I say all of this is

1) All of the details without interest in the story didn't work for me... the "eyes glazing over" effect
2) The first impression is going to be pretty important when an editor is reading this synopsis--it's the starting point for his attitude toward the rest of the piece. You want to get him interested fast.

Remember that you're writing a synopsis, and you're trying to convey the important and intriguing elements of the story... the ones that could sell it on the shelves. Save the little details for the novel itself, the editor doesn't need them yet. What he needs to see is two things: your skill at writing (I'm referring to your prose here) and whether the story has a chance of being published.

But like I said, it sounds great to me. All of this is not to say that the synopsis isn't working, just to point out areas of potential improvement. I was definitely hooked by this, and if you need anyone else to check out the full synopsis, I'd be happy to do so.

Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :

I've done a little more editing up there.

Query: I included the detail about where the parents were going to answer another reader's question about why the kids left the apartment to ask them a question if the parents were out. It feels like a neccessary detail. Is there anyway to condense this?

Thanks,
Mary

Posted by AeroB1033 (Member # 1956) on :

"Marie and Kennedy were alone at the apartment babysitting their little sister..."

Posted by Kolona (Member # 1438) on :

What's another page?

Go ahead and send it.

Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :

Whew. Thanks to you all, I feel like I'm finally getting a handle on this. That, and having two days of withdrawal from the board.

I have re-edited the first thirteen lines, trying to eliminate everything unnecessary to the plot. Will you re-read it and let me know what seems confusing or extraneous?

I've also worked to cut it from six pages down to three. The novel itself is 55,600 words or about 226 pages. I've read that a short synopsis is supposed to be 2-3 pages or about one page per hundred. Any reason to question that?

Thanks,
Mary

[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited May 07, 2004).]