Hatrack River Writers Workshop: My first 13 revissions

This is topic My first 13 revissions in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by HetMasteen (Member # 2004) on :

Here are the revisions that some people were so kind as to suggest to me:

He stared at her. She looked like she was just distracted for a moment, like when you listen to music or when you’re driving your car and you just sorta zone out for a second. Yeah, just zone out for one second. Her “second” had been going on for eight months now, and like all the others, there was no explanation. No explanations. No answers. Nothing. He felt like she looked: Dead.
ADMS: Acute Disassociative Mental State. Adam’s Disease. But no one called it any of those names. Everyone called it Psylence. No one knew what caused it; let alone how to treat it. It attacked everyone: Men and Women, of all ages, all races, all over the world. Just like that; an overnight plague, and no one knew anything about it.
Psylence was basically like being a vegetable, except for one thing: While vegetables were usually brain dead, or showed little brain functions, Psylenced people showed brainwave activity far beyond that of normal, alert human beings. Some people, wackos mostly, said that it was a transcendence to a higher state of being- A nirvana. He thought that was bullshit. He wanted his wife back.

thats it... tell me what you think.

Posted by Eric Sherman (Member # 2007) on :

I dunno, it dosent seem to capture my intrest. I would start with the last lines.

"He thought that was bullshit. He wanted his wife back."

Start with that feeling. Mabye do soem dialouge between him and hte doctor. Something to capture that emotion. Then, when we are wondering what is wrong with his wife, slowly work in the medical deal.

Sorry if im a little hard to understand. Its 2 in the morning here.

Posted by Ayla (Member # 2014) on :

I think that the idea of Psylence (pronounced silence?) is a very intriguing idea. I've also read your previous version and this is much better.

However, some aspects of your style made me uncomfortable. For example the words: "and you just sorta zone out for a second." I know sometimes people think like that, but it doesn't read well on paper.

You should explain why people call it Psylence as opposed to ADMS. Because the current trend for psychological diseases is to call them by acronyms/abbreviations. (for example: OCD, ADD, etc)

I think Nirvana is supposed to be capitalised.

Also, I think you should give us the name of this character. Perhaps in the second last sentence so that you make it: "____ thought it was bullshit." Also, there should probably be a new paragrpah there, because there is a shift in his thought pattern.

However, overall, I am really intrigued by the idea of Psylence.

Posted by HetMasteen (Member # 2004) on :

thanx ppl!

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

An intriguing story idea...but this is supposed to be a story, not an idea.

Begin with your POV character. Give him a name. Give him a location. Give him a moment in time (Give him onnnne moment in time... ).

Okay, okay. POV. Character. Setting. This is how we write stories, not Idea. Yes, the idea is somewhere in our minds and may find its way into the minds of your readers, but that's not how you write a story. POV. Character. Setting.

Posted by UnheardOf (Member # 2022) on :

I had trouble with the first paragraph. It took me awhile to realize he was probably in a hospital and she was in a bed. Also you place the reader in the point of view of being zoned out themselves rather than looking at someone who is, so it got a bit confusing for me. (I'm easily confused, though.)

I like the second paragraph, which really caught my interest and the third served to heighten it with the suggestion that the plague victims were in a state of Nirvana. After the more technical wording, the word "wacko" jarred a bit. Of course, it may also be that I just don't like the word, but that was my first reaction.

I would definitely read more.

Posted by kitcross (Member # 1605) on :

Eric has hit on a brilliant idea. I'd even use a little more as the opening--just to see how it works.

Try this for an opening and then fill in with the drier bits about the disease.

That makes me wonder a lot about the wife and makes me want to know about her. I'd particularily like to know fairly early on if we're talking about an old wife or a younger one (an unusual situation) I'm guessing they're a younger couple because he thought that was bullshit. If they were the age of my folks I expect he would have thought it was a pile of nonsence. That turn of phrase determines an age (IMHO)

Suggestion in describing the disease--show me how it manifests rather than telling me the details of it. Does the husband try and guess what worlds his wife is walking in when she zones out?

Knowing how difficult it is to put that into the first 13 lines and I wouldn't suggest it necessarily all needs to be there, when you have a rough version of the story, I'd be happy to read it if you like