“Well I’m freezing here in this river” said Tommy.
“Shut-up smarta**, get in the pose so I can f***en take your picture” said Boss.
“Fine bos.” Bam! Brain and blood splattered onto the smooth river water, like hundreds of tiny pebbles being thrown. Tommy falls lifeless to the river bed. A dark cloud of blood spread from the corps’. Careless gives his best “my bad” face as Boss recovers from the flashy event.
“You f***en idiot!” said Boss “I’ll rip your.” Bam!... Bam! Bam! Bam!
Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :
What are we looking at here? A beginning, middle, end? A short story or a novel? Genre info is always nice too.
I had to read this twice to understand what was going on, to be honest. It felt disjointed and rushed.
I also didn't like the cussing at all. To be perfectly honest, unless there is an overriding reason, i will not continue reading a story that begins with this much foul language. I find that I can never come to sympathize with the characters and I never get used to the words, no matter how often they're siad. If I do get used to the words, even a little bit, I start to use them myself and I hate myself when I cuss.
Posted by Phanto (Member # 1619) on :
Unless "bos" happens to be a word, I doubt this went through a spellchecker.
Posted by Monolith (Member # 2034) on :
Ok, I have a few questions for you. 1) What era is this in? 2) Why didn't you set up this scene?
I agree with what a few others have said, to begin with cursing such as this, I doubt that I'd read on any further. However, if it is part of the character, I can see it but, WOW! That level of vulgarity needs justification. That's my only complaint, as well as the rushed feeling of the piece.
Posted by wetwilly (Member # 1818) on :
Any reason why you switch tenses for one paragraph? Starts in past, switches to present, then right back to past again. That strikes me as a horrible idea, unless there's really a good reason why you're doing it. Anything can work if you do it right, but I have my doubts about this one.
Ditto on the cussing, but that's just a personal preference. It's strange, I can watch a movie with HORRIBLE language, and it doesn't phase me one bit (Reservoir Dogs: love it, My Cousin Vinny: love it, Shawshank Redemption: love it) but in a book, it bothers me. Wierd, huh? Just call me Mr. Hypocrisy.
But I'm serious about changing tenses. I'd give that some good thinking if I were you.
Posted by wetwilly (Member # 1818) on :
Okay, I just read it again and saw that the tense change isn't even for the whole paragraph.
...blood SPLATTERED... ...Tommy FALLS... ...cloud of blood SPREAD... ...Careless GIVES...
It alternates between past and present tense from one sentence to the next. Again, do it right and anything could work, but I don't know if this is really necessary.
Posted by Platygrrl (Member # 2074) on :
Sheesh. I'm not much into the cussing either, but if you're going to do it, do it right. The asterisks are distracting, and they make you look like you lack conviction. I mean, I can accept that there are characters with foul language. That's fine. But it's really unlikely that they'd bleep themselves while recounting the tale. Ditto the others on scene setting...it needs one. All we've got is a river. We know it's cold and three people are standing in it. For a photograph? What's up with that? I love to start stories with dialogue--but you need some background in there too (I know this because it's one of the most common critiques I get on my own writing). You need to introduce your props...there's a camera and a gun, right? So show them. Grammer issues will be fixed with long practice, so I won't dwell on them.
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
quote:I'm not much into the cussing either, but if you're going to do it, do it right. The asterisks are distracting, and they make you look like you lack conviction
I believe that there's a banned word list built into this bulletin board. It's fairly common, so even if you want to curse you can't. For instance. ****!