Ok, this is sci-fi, sort of...and it's just the beginnings of an idea at this point, so be kind. Oh, and sorry about some of the language...they got a bit out of hand. Very quickly. Enjoy! --------------- “You skank!” shrieked Manda. “You complete whore!” “It’s not my fault Carlo prefers people with only two legs.” Kelly tossed golden hair over a wide shoulder. Manda was thrown completely through a loop. “Who’s Carlo?” she spat, bewildered. And remembered. That obnoxious guy who kept looking at her smugly, like he knew, just knew he was better than her, and he could have anything he wanted, and if he wanted something like her, she’d damn well better be grateful and let him have her. “He proposed to me last night. Sorry, Panda, you lost.” “I’m not talking about Carlo! I don’t even like him!” “Denial!” “What?? --No, never mind, I don’t want to know. This is about you and my little brother!” Manda was raging. She reared, mane flaring, lips pulled back. Kelly looked at her with a look that said clearly she thought Manda was pathetic.
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
The dialogue is great. Very vivid and alive. Your narrative segments would be better served by cutting the thesis elements. In other words:
quote:“Who’s Carlo?” she spat, bewildered. And remembered....
Bewildered is completely unneccessary. You're already showing us, so why tell us? Same with "Manda was raging." You don't need it.
Now you are walking a fine line here. Because your POV character is not human, you'll have a hard time giving us a description of her. The problem is, that without it I'm apt to read "mane flaring" as an overly poetic way of talking about her hair. Is it possible to start giving us more physical clues with Manda's first line after "people with only two legs"?
Posted by Rahl22 (Member # 1411) on :
I'm also skeptical about stories that start with dialogue. True, it throws the reader into the story -- but I'm not sure that's always a good thing. Dialogue without context (such as at the beginning of a story) can be misleading and feel empty. I'd prefer it if you started the story a bit earlier and let the dialogue paint the scene, rather than the other way around.
Posted by goatboy (Member # 2062) on :
I would restructure the sentence beginning with “That obnoxious guy,” so that it is two or maybe three shorter sentences.
Questions: Are there three characters discussing Carlo or two? (Manda, Kelly and Panda?) Is Carlo Manda’s little brother?
It does make me wonder what is going on, so you have accomplished that goal.
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
quote:I'm also skeptical about stories that start with dialogue. True, it throws the reader into the story -- but I'm not sure that's always a good thing. Dialogue without context (such as at the beginning of a story) can be misleading and feel empty.
Rahll, frequently I agree with this, but I think the context is pretty clear here. Two chicks having a fight. I do agree that I'd like more description of Manda, but I think the dialogue opening works well here.
This comes up a lot on this board and someone will usually cite OSC's advice about not dropping people into a story without a map. Good advice. But there are times when starting with dialogue works. Like the opening of Ender's Game.
Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :
Is this comedy? Tell me it's comedy. I can really go for this if it's comedy. Otherwise I think it's overdone--the 'tossed golden hair over a wide shoulder,' the 'mane flaring, lips pulled back.'
Comedy--right? Because this could really be very funny.
It threw me off balance a bit--in a good way--reading an argument between what appears to be two perfectly normal (if you're the twisted type who considers Maury Povich and Jerry Springer 'normal') humans and they turn out to be multi-legged, maned creatures. Really good.
And it's comedy, right? You see, I'm a little sensitive and trying not to offend, because I once took someone's story to be comedy when it was not intended as such. However, that person truly has a gift for wry comedy that came out in her work whether she was trying for it or not. Now she's working on developing that gift--and that's a marvelous thing.
So if comedy is what you're after, go with it.
If not...
It's comedy, right?
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Ah, such a sensitive soul our DJ has...
Do you want a crit of the whole thing, and how long is it?
Posted by Platygrrl (Member # 2074) on :
wow, thanks for great feedback, all :-). The thing's not really that long yet...about two pages...I got distracted by getting the mail and never got back to it. Comedy? Could be...probably is, I have a really hard time taking anything seriously, so it may not be specifically comedy, but I'm not altogether surprised it's funny. Manda and Panda are the same; Kelly's trying to be derogatory and not doing a very good job of it. I may take that out...I'm not sure it's working. It's just a little something that I'm playing around with; don't really know if it's going anywhere but I'm having fun with it. So who wants to read what I've got?
