Heresy
***
When Uriel was called to appear before the Council, he knew they were sending him out on a contract, but he wasn’t sure which one. Usually there were plenty of rumors about a contract long before it was assigned. This time, there were none. New contracts were rare enough these days that word of one usually lit up the dormitories of the Order. Uriel hadn’t heard anything though. He was puzzled by this silence. However, it had been months since he had been on a contract and he was eagerly anticipating being assigned one now. He didn’t want his skills to have a chance to rust, which they would eventually if unused, despite constant training and practicing.
He strode up to the doors of the Council chamber and knocked the prescribed pattern indicating a summons being answered. An inner guard opened the doors, and nodded to one of the outer guards, who had turned to receive the assent. The two outer guards, standing on either side of the massive doors, looked at Uriel for a moment and then stepped aside so that he could enter.
But about your first thirteen lines:
My first reaction is that it's too passive. The most active sentence in the whole first paragraph is the last. All the others are plagued by 'was' and 'had.'
Next, At this stage of the game I'm a little bothered that I don't know the nature of the 'contract.' I would rather you draw me in by introducing me to the moment of tension that is obviously about to happen inside the Council chambers, then, after Uriel has received the orders, explain about the 'contract.' Doing this would largely solve the passive opening problem as well.
If he is going to walk into those Council chambers and be surprised by NOT receiving a 'contract,' then you will have wasted my time by dwelling so thoroughly on them in the first paragraph. It's like putting a bunch of kids on a bus for a 'big surprise,' giving them all Mickey Mouse hats then taking them on a tour of a cheese factory.
Overall, you're doing a good job of building a community atmosphere of some sort here--the dormitories, the waiting together for a job, the unused skills and the training. But there isn't enough here to draw me into the story. However, it's not horrid enough that I wouldn't first turn the page and see what was coming up next before deciding to leave it on the shelf or buy it.
You could strenthen that first sentence by removing the When... and then the rest of the paragraph by writing it in present tense. I guess you could do it like:
Uriel stood before the council, knowing he would be sent out on a contract, but not sure which one.
But even that feels a bit weak to me... hopefully, you get the idea.
Otherwise, I don't agree that it was too passive. Some stories start slower than others, requiring a little setup to get going. I think that's just writer's preference. But most of us would like it to start off with some sort of "actiony" conflict of sorts.
I have a question for everyone, though. This sentence here:
quote:
He didn’t want his skills to have a chance to rust, which they would eventually if unused, despite constant training and practicing.
Is it fine as is, or would it be better if it used parentheses or dashes to offset the aside? I suppose it could also be preference... but I'd like to know what everyone else thinks (for my own benefit) Example:
He didn't want his skills to to have a chance to rust -- which they would eventually if unused -- despite his constant training and practicing.
HSO
[This message has been edited by HSO (edited July 10, 2004).]
As for the "too passive" comments, I see that too. During your entire first paragraph, there isn't a hint of "current" action. It is all just musing about things known to Uriel, which seems to happen nowhere and at no time in particular. This makes the sudden appearance of a door rather...it lacks context. We could have been anticipating the moment he walks up to those doors, instead, you didn't even let us know there would be doors (and don't go and change it to mention that "the Council had doors").
quote:
He didn’t want his skills to have a chance to rust, which they would eventually if unused, despite constant training and practicing.
[This message has been edited by Kolona (edited July 10, 2004).]
Heresy
Heresy
Heresy
However, those are only suggestions.
I'd also like to take a look at it as well. Email is in my profile. Thanks.
-Bryan-