I just finished a rewrite of a short fantasy story, about 5000 words in length. I would love to get a fe wpeople to read the entire text for me. It is a rare attempt to use a first person narrator, and I'd like to know how I did. Also, I had someone suggest to me that the first version of this (there have been a lot of changes since then) seemed to fit into the category of YA. I don't mind if it does, but I'd like opinions on that matter so I know how to market this and how to tackle the next rewrite.
The first few lines are as follows:
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We learn to deal with these things in the fullness of time, but the day I learned that I would go blind was the worst day of my life. I remember the cold, dispassionate voice of the doctor telling me I had Stargardt’s disease as if I would know what that was. I remember him assuring me that, “It could be worse,” because at least I would still have useful peripheral vision. “Tunnel vision,” he told me, “was much worse.” I have gained a healthy sense of, “it could be worse,” but it seems to me to have been the wrong approach for a sixteen-year-old who would shortly have to give up her driver’s license and dream of becoming an astronaut.
“Myra,” Mom called as she knocked on my bedroom door later that evening. “You can’t stay in there forever. Paula Sheridan is here.”
“Go away,” I replied. Couldn’t she see that I wanted to be alone? Paula Sheridan, an old friend of the family, was running for the Missouri senate seat. She probably wanted to get nosy about my diagnosis, all under the guise of being supportive and sympathetic.
[This message has been edited by Christine (edited July 23, 2004).]
Posted by Robyn_Hood (Member # 2083) on :
I would love to read this but it would have to wait until at least Monday or Tuesday as I have several critiques waiting.
As for the first person narrator, good so far.
Posted by Kolona (Member # 1438) on :
This sounds like an odd fantasy, so I'll take a look.
Posted by GZ (Member # 1374) on :
Curious as to where you're going to take this. I could take a look.
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
Me too, though I'm really behind on crits. Can you wait for feedback till after the 28th? That's when I get back home.
Posted by HSO (Member # 2056) on :
Looks like a good start! Unfortunately, I need a hiatus from critiquing and reading works, as I've done about twelve in the past 2 weeks. I'm a bit burned out. [I hadn't realized how difficult it was -- editors must need 25 weeks of vacation a year.]
However, from the intro, it does indeed seem to be geared for the YA market.... although you never know... Look at Harry Potter, for instance.
Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :
HSO, I know just what you mean. I've had weeks where I've done half a dozen critiques, more than one a day, and you just can't do that forever, sometimes you have to go back to your own stuff. I appreciate the observation about my introduction, though. I think it is a combination of age of hero (16), plot (which you can't see yet), and the nature of the magic that makes it feel YA, but I'm going to wait for a couple more opinions now that I've asked. I understand that's not a bad market to get into, I've just never known how to write it on purpose. If I've done it on acident...why not?
I'll send yours along in a few days, Mary. Maybe by the 28th I have a newer version to show you anyway.
Posted by Cathy Perdue (Member # 7987) on :
I, too, like this so far.
You asked for a few readers and have those, but if you'd like one more, I'd be happy to read.
Posted by Phanto (Member # 1619) on :
I do hope you're sending your work out to publishers?
#
Anyway, I dislike the disease name. Stargardt = "scans" as Star Gate. Could just be me.
Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :
LOL
I'm sorry, Phanto...but I burst into tear-filled laughter at that comment. You see, I HAVE Stargardt's disease. It is not a made up name, it is real and it affects young people, usually teenagers, who then gradually become legally blind.
Posted by Phanto (Member # 1619) on :
Oh.
:P
Sorry to hear that. Glad to see you've overcome your problem well enough to produce a steady stream of fantastic, well written material .
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
I'll read it if you like.
Posted by Kolona (Member # 1438) on :
This isn't autobiographical, is it?
Seriously, I'll echo Phanto's comments. And pray the Stargardt's finds you no easy target, as it seems not to have so far. God's best.
Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :
I'd call it personal wish fulfillment, not autobiographical. (At least, not past the first paragraph, which I will admit sounds awfully familiar to myself...even to the bit about the astronaut. .) But I've been looking for a way to put a character who is legally blind into a story for a while now. (Rather than totally blind which, when blindness is used in stories, is all you see. I think it's easier for people to understand.)
Anyway, I'm quite happy with my life...like the first sentence suggests.
Posted by RFLong (Member # 1923) on :
I'd be happy to read it, but it would probably be next week at the earliest.
R
Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :
You know I'll read anything for you. But ONLY if you want me to.
Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :
Thanks for all the volunteering. I've sent the story out to 8 people now, which is really more than enough. I wouldn't have sent to so many except that I usually only get about a 2/3 response rate anyway.
Dakota....I've had your novel outline on the back burner for over a week now. Things just keep coming up. I'm going to try to get to it sometime this week and then join the conversation that keeps flying around.
This isn't autobiographical, is it?