First of all, I would like to thank all of you who helped me again and again, trying to get it through my thick skull what I was doing wrong. According to at least one of you (I won't name names) and my Wise Reader, I've improved the story dramatically.
I would be very appreciative if some of you here would take a look. It's now at about 7,000 words, so it's not as quick a read as before. I'm posting the first 13 lines just because...well, because I want to, dang it!
***
Lord Harold Gebron wondered if his judgment was failing. The little house set off by itself within the woods no longer held the quaintness its previous owners had tried to create. The roses still bloomed in front of the building, and the trellis, hung with ivy, still stood upright against the freshly painted cottage. But knowing what waited for him inside filled the highest-ranking member of the Essene court with a chill that no amount of political intrigue had ever succeeded in creating.
A part of him had craved this very moment, unaffected by the cost in blood or the innocence of those involved. After all, the Brown Eyes, peasants though they were, wouldn’t take Geoffrey Essene’s despotic reign forever.
Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :
I'd like to read it. Are you interested in a crit? If so, at what level of detail?
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Hmmm..."craved" isn't the right word if you mean that his calm, rational side is the part of him that desired this moment.
Anyway, I think I'll try this new version.
Posted by RFLong (Member # 1923) on :
I'll take a look if you like.
R
Posted by Keeley (Member # 2088) on :
See here.
Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :
Well, I'll only have time for one of these stories and after reading the intros this one is probably more my style. (I don't know if it's more interesting or not, I just happen to prefer third person narrative and so will always gravitate that way. ) Anyway, if you still need readers, send it over and I'll try to get to it sometime this week.
Posted by shadowynd (Member # 2077) on :
Since I crit'd the first version, I'd love to see this one, too!
Susan
Posted by Silver6 (Member # 1415) on :
If you still need readers, I'd be glad to have a look.
Posted by Keeley (Member # 2088) on :
I want to thank everyone for the reviews thus far. They've been very helpful and I'm glad some of you were willing to take a second chance on this story.
I'm sorry I don't have the time to respond individually to your reviews. My time is gone for the next few weeks. I won't be able to post much, if at all (not going away though...only a natural disaster could keep me away from Hatrack). Hopefully, it won't last much longer than a few weeks.
