1st 13 lines:
A blemish upon the nighttime sea, the ship that seemed to draw on the very darkness of night sailed steadily towards the city and Kingdom of LeJean, Gallhathga. The moon and the stars were hidden from view by dark clouds. The crew of the vessel murmured uneasily to themselves, and many glanced warily at the figure standing at the bow of the ship. As if feeling the men looking at her, Queen Phianna of Hargos turned around and trained her cold gaze on the sailors. Hurriedly, the men proceeded with their work.
The Queen glanced around again and obviously satisfied, turned back to face the ocean. Ah, my grand return, not as a prisoner, but rather, an invited guest. Phianna remembered the events that occurred the last time she came, or rather, was forced to Gallhathga. The Herald of Isaac had marched into her city, captured her, and took her to Gallhathga where she stood trial for "crimes against the common good". Not really a trial but a farce, she was sentenced to death by King LeJean.
Good language, some nice imagery. Some people will object to the number of proper nouns you introduce, but I don't have a problem with them. The names have a nice flavor, I think. You might try saying them out loud and seeing if other phonemes are to your liking, though.
Major problem, it looks like you're embarking on an extended flashback by the end of this intro. Not helping the situation, your flashback isn't in past perfect tense, so a reader could be confused and think that these events were happening in the "present" of the narrative.
How long is the part that you'd like people to read?
To add to what Survivor said, because I agree with every word, it's also just a touch overboard on the use of adjectives and adverbs.
This is one point that I humbly and historically disagree with survivor on...the lead-in paragraph. I don't think you need amazing reasons to set the stage with a first paragraph that is not written in the same point of view as the rest of the story. In literary boot camp, OSC called this the "free paragraph" and suggested that it can be used, as you have done, to set the tone and setting.
The second paragraph, then, needs to get right into the story and into point of view.
On the other hand, I'm going to heartily agree that this introduction seems frighteingly close to delving into a lengthy (or even brief) flashback. A one paragraph backup explanation at this stage of the game is really too long. You've given us nothing to cement us in the forward action so that we can be prepared for a flashback. (If we're wrong, then never mind. )
You call her The Queen, Phianna and Queen Phianna of Hargos all in the same few sentences. How about starting with a small change in this sentence:
"As if feeling the men looking at her, Phianna, Queen of Hargos (name, then title) turned around and trained her cold gaze on the sailors. Hurriedly, the men proceeded with their work."
Then just call her Phianna from then on. Then if someone addresses her, it would be something like “my Queen” or “your highness”. If she was being introduced by someone or is introducing herself, use the whole thing, Phianna, Queen of Hargos.
She is easier to sympathize with when you present her name, then title. Otherwise, her title seems to distance her from the reader. If we are to be comfortable sharing her intimate thoughts, then we need to be able to identify her personally.
Does that make sense?
Again thanks everyone.