Short story, fantasy, about 8500 words. I'd welcome any comments. Thanks. I do know the POV is omniscient in the first paragraph, but it's deliberate; I anchor it afterwards.
Twelve years after he lost his kingdom in a game of dice, Arune came back into the palace he had once ruled. He now had the white hair of a Gifted hermit; the guards, for fear of his curse, stood aside to let him pass. They sent for Marek, the ruler of the city, who, woken up unexpectedly in the dead of the night by a face from the past, hurriedly dressed, before receiving his visitor in his private chambers.
“The time you set for my exile is past,” Arune said. He was charting the passage of time on the other’s face, marvelling at how little the intervening years had changed him.
[This message has been edited by Silver6 (edited September 13, 2004).]
Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :
So, are you looking for readers of the whole thing or just comments on this frag?
On the frag, I'm interested. It sounds like it's going somewhere interesting, so far. But the punctuation is a bit overdone. I see at least two commas you could get rid of.
Also, I think I'd leave the stuff about him being a white-haired 'gifted' hermit with a curse until you can better work in an explanation for all those puzzlements with their introduction.
As for reading, if you want readers, I suppose I could take a look.
Posted by Gwalchmai (Member # 1807) on :
I haven't read any of your work for a while and am intrigued to see what you've been getting up to. Send it over and I'd love to take a look.
Posted by Silver6 (Member # 1415) on :
I was looking for a critique of the whole thing, actually. It's on its way.
Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :
I will look at it, if you can wait a week or so for a reply.
Posted by Silver6 (Member # 1415) on :
Sure, I'll welcome any comments. I've just sent it.