I posted the first 13 lines of a very early (first, actually) version of this story a week or two ago. I have now done a complete rewrite. As you can tell from the opening, I've swtiched POV characters entirely and I think it makes for a stronger story. It's also more than twice the length. (It was under "a short one" before becsause it was a hair over 1k words...now it is almost 3k.)
Anyway, I'd like some feedback on this new story. It's a short fantasy, a bit on the dark side. If you don't have time to look at the whole thing you can tell me what you think of the beginning, but to be honest, endings have typically been my biggest problem area but that requires looking at the whole thing!
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Kay did not trust her sisters; she never had, so when Lily called her to tell her that The Matriarch would soon die, Kay needed to see it for herself. It had always seemed to her that the stubborn old woman would simply refuse to die.
But if there were even the slightest possibility that Lily uttered the truth, then Kay had to go. Though she had not seen nor spoken to The Matriarch since her eighteenth birthday when she had stormed out of the manor, never looking back, she had to return now. Not even her rebellious nature would allow for such a betrayal as to fail to pay her last respects, even if The Matriarch would never pass her blessing on to Kay. Besides, Kay had no place else to go.
It was near midnight by the time Kay pulled into the long, circular driveway. Her car died as she brought it to a stop, punctuating its failure with a loud sputtering noise. Great. That solidified her fate. Unless she could convince her sisters to loan her some money to have the car repaired she would have to stay in this godforsaken state indefinitely.
Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :
I'm intrigued. Send it over.
Posted by GZ (Member # 1374) on :
I have time to take a gander.
Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :
Thanks u2...I've sent it off. Any more takers?
Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :
I'd like to look at it as well. Thanks!
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
I'd like to see it. But it will be this weekend before I can get back to you, if that's ok.
Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :
I have some time if yo uneed another
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
I'll read the whole 3K if you like, but I'll also tell you...not enthused by "The Matriarch" being dropped every few lines like that. Perhaps it is the capitalization of "The". I mean, I can see capitalizing "Matriarch", but does the "The" really help?
Anyway, other than that I think it's pretty interesting so far.
Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :
Thanks, that ought to be enough. I'll go ahead and send it out to you last three in a few minutes. Just so you know, I'll probably compile all the comments and work on the rewrite (or revision, if that's all it takes) early next week so if you don't manage to get to it by this weekend (and I really will understand if you can't) then don't worry reading it unless you're just really curious.
Yes, SUrvivor, The Matriarch (both words capitalized) appears a lot in this story. I thought because it was a proper name, essentially, that the whole thing should be capitalized but if you have a different suggestion I'd love to hear it. In the meantime, try not to let it bother you too much as you read.
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
I agree with survivor about capitalizing The. Capitalizing Matriarch is ok, but not The.
If the character's actual name is The Matriarch then you're correct, it should be capitalized, but I don't know if that's such a good first name. It just looked like a bothersome capitalization error to me.
I will really try to get back to you before the weekend!
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
I think that "Matriarch" is her title rather than an actual name. An important title, yes, such that you would never call her by her name except to be deliberately disrespectful. Still, the "the" preceeding such a title isn't always capitalized. You might do it for effect or emphasis, but usually it simply isn't necessary.
quote:"We must prepare for the arrival of the President." "The president of what?" "The President."
Okay, bad example. I italicized it rather than using a special capitalization.
Anyway, my point is that "The" isn't part of her name, and "Matriarch" isn't her name, it is simply a unique title that is more important than her name and supercedes it in all proper references to her. Like talking about the President or the Chief Justice or something. The implication that the title is unique is already made when you put "the" in front of it. As far as I'm aware, insisting on always capitalizing the "The" is a bit like a 22 gun salute...what does that even mean?
