-----
Jared didn’t think he had the world going for him. He just did. Life handed him everything he ever wanted sometimes before he even knew he wanted it. He wasn’t rich; he wasn’t famous. He didn’t even have a mysterious benefactor. The world just bent to his subconscious will.
He figured that they must have been searching for someone like him. Trouble was he couldn’t figure out how he rated so high on their search scale. He was a country boy in a nothing, southern town. Even his greatest wish amounted to nothing more than getting that 4-wheeler his folks said they couldn’t afford. Of course, Jared was only eleven.
Jared didn’t think he could take anymore of the isolation. He’d already been here three days. His mom and dad had picked him up from school Friday, and brought him here. He didn’t even know where here was. All he knew was that these people wanted to study him and his parents were now scared of him.
quote:
Jared didn’t think he had the world going for him. He just did. [Huh? Confusing wording.] Life handed him everything he ever wanted sometimes before he even knew he wanted it. He wasn’t rich; he wasn’t famous. He didn’t even have a mysterious benefactor. The world just bent to his subconscious will. [Rest of paragraph isn't too bad; however, is a little information heavy. Should probably be balanced by ACTION!]
That's the first paragraph only. If you want more, be sure to order my latest ice cream cleaning product! Only 99.95$ -- shipping free!
Um.........Yeah .
quote:
He figured that they must have been searching for someone like him. Trouble was he couldn’t figure [The first time was fine. Second? Ack!!!out how he rated so high on their search scale. He was a country boy in a nothing, southern town. Even his greatest wish amounted to nothing more than getting that 4-wheeler his folks said they couldn’t afford. Of course, Jared was only eleven.
Huge info dump. Not fun to read. Doesn't flow smoothly either because you're basically dumping random chunks of information at us.
quote:
Jared didn’t think he could take anymore of the isolation. He’d already been here three days. His mom and dad had picked him up from school Friday, and brought him here. He didn’t even know where here was. All he knew was that these people wanted to study him and his parents were now scared of him.
Start here. This is a good paragraph. It is passionate, immediate, and emotional.
[This message has been edited by Magic Beans (edited October 12, 2004).]
Edited to ask for a read of the entire thing.
[This message has been edited by Keeley (edited October 13, 2004).]
Second, the first paragraph is by far the most interesting. The others aren't near so tight in language. I'm not bothered a bit by the lack of action, because the content, particularly punctuated by that last line, is so intriguing. I'm expecting the action to come right away, however.
Third, I respectfully disagree w/ Phanto on the first two sentences. I think they set up something very interesting. You MIGHT consider writing the word "think" in italics. Would emphasizing that word do it for you, Phanto?
Agree w/ Phanto that the second paragraph is weak. Need to get going on the action here. Let us know more about him after we see something happen to him and see how he reacts to it.
Then in the second paragraph you introduce an unreferenced "they" into the equation, along with other elements that simply make no sense absent previous references (which happen to be absent ).
The last paragraph is something that actually makes sense on its own and is from Jared's POV. DJV is right that the information in the first paragraph is interesting, but it happens to be out of POV, and it gives the story away too fast. Sort of like having the last scene of a mystery first, you know?
Something to think about.
-----
Jared didn’t think he had the world going for him. He just did. Life handed him everything he ever wanted sometimes before he even knew he wanted it. He wasn’t rich; he wasn’t famous. He didn’t even have a mysterious benefactor. The world just bent to his subconscious will.
He’d often wondered exactly how things always worked out for him. He was contemplating that very thing as he sat waiting for the school bell to ring when the intercom clicked on.
“Mrs. Neyman, please send Jared to the office to sign out. His parents are here.”
Mrs. Neyman looked over at him. “Okay, Jared, you may go. Don’t forget that we have the fifth-grade class picture Monday. Dress nicely please.”
“Yes, ma’am.” With that, Jared was out the door. He loved it when his parents picked him up early.
Jared missed the class picture.
This second version invites me into the story a bit better, but it feels rather abrupt with the last sentence. I mean, we have Jared all excited about going home early on Friday, then we're told he doesn't make it in on Monday? Depending on how long this story is, I think you could work in a better transition.
Perhaps what's jolting me is that this feels like a POV switch or something. It's as though it doesn't match the rest of the opening style/voice.
Okay, I'm confused about how to describe it so I'll just stop before I ramble any more.
I would cut the whole first paragraph. But if it is important to you to keep it - in both versions the first two sentences really threw me:
Jared didn’t think he had the world going for him. He just did.
"didn't think" to me means that Jared believed something contrary - whereas you're trying to emphasize *think*. Personally I would say something like "Jared didn't just think he had the world going for him; he truely did."
I think this is significantly better than the first version!
1) Word choice.
Phrases like <mysterious benefactor> and <subconscious will> convey an adult vocabulary and perspective.
<He was contemplating that very thing>
The <contemplating> that you have Jarod doing in the 2nd paragraph isn't really something that it's easy to imagine a child doing.
Compare that to this later sentence:
<With that, Jared was out the door. He loved it when his parents picked him up early.>
This sentence really captures the feel of a child's POV without being childish.
2) Maturity implied in action
Jarod is is wondering why everything always works out for him. This implies that Jarod is aware of at least three things about the world:
a) People don't get what they want a great deal of the time
b) He gets what he wants more often than most other people
c) Given his circumstances, it is inexplicable that he gets what he wants as often as he does.
These aren't things most people know about as children. They haven't seen enough of the world to reach these conclusions.
Jarod's contemplation speaks of far more experiential maturity than I would expect to see in a 10-year old.
The POV ends up feeling like it comes from someone with an adult's experience with the world.
Hope this was helpful. I liked the idea and I'd love to read more.
But the important thing is that you use "didn’t think" and "subconscious" right in that opening paragraph. The mysterious benefactor that Jared doesn't have is just the same.
Try going back to your original starting location. Jared is in the hands of persons unknown to him for purposes that he doesn't quite understand. Make that clear. Then reveal that he isn't worried, because these sorts of things always work out in the end. Then show us that his expectation that this will turn into some kind of pleasant surprise is based firmly on his own experience of the world.
Just a suggestion, though. The main thing is that you need to wait a bit before telling us stuff that the POV character simply doesn't know yet.