Tittle flittered from one flower to the next. He was restless and looking for mischief. The breeze caught the edge of one of his delicate wings, lifted him up a little and dropped him right down the tube of a Bugle Lilly. Tumbling over and over he plummeted down between the pollen sacs and finally, rolling down a gentle slope he landed right into a puddle of sticky syrup. As he pulled himself free and vainly tried to scrape the sticky substance off his delicate wings he became aware of the sound of laughter or more precisely, the sound of sniggering. Looking around he was unable to see who was laughing at him at first but then realizing that the sound was coming from above he looked up and saw a Barzig peering down at him with such a look of amusement on her face that Tittle couldn’t help but laugh too.
Posted by wetwilly (Member # 1818) on :
There's not treally enough here for me to comment on any of the story elements, but the language flows pretty nicely for the most part. One thing, I would rework one line in it.
"Looking around he was unable to see who was laughing at him at first but then realizing that the sound was coming from above he looked up and saw a Barzig peering down at him with such a look of amusement on her face that Tittle couldn’t help but laugh too."
I would think about breaking this up into several sentences if I were you. There are a LOT of different things happening and different pieces of information to swallow in one sentence. Tittle looks around...Realizes where the sound is coming from...He looks up...Sees Barzig...Barzig has a look of amusement...Tittle laughs. These are all different pieces of info that need to be digested by the reader, and putting them all in one sentence is forcing the reader to bite off more than they can chew.
Also, about "-ing verbs" (Sorry, I don't remember the grammatical term for them). The "-ing" means the verb is happening at the same exact time as the other actions in the sentence. Thus, "realizing that the sound was coming from above, he looked up and saw Barzig" means he realized and looked up at the same time. Is that how it was, or did he realize and then look up? I think probably the latter. Maybe that's nitpicky, but I think it weakens this paragraph signifigantly.
Interesting POV, though. What is Tittle? A bee? A fairy? Interesting POV and nice imagery.
Posted by Castaway (Member # 2201) on :
Thankyou Wetwilly for your comments. Tittle is a character in a childrens novel I am working on. He is an Azveil which is a sub group of the species Aetharian. Here is a quote from my story which explains describes him more fully. "Tittle was a good-natured Azveil although many of his species are pure trouble and their days are spent disrupting the lives of others through spreading gossip and lies and playing pranks on the good folk of the woodlands. Azveil are tiny winged beings about four to five centimetres tall, but otherwise perfect replicas of humans. They live in the forests and woodlands and are rarely seen. Despite their size they are bold and inquisitive but completely harmless. They possess no magic except to melt away like a teardrop when held or trapped and reform only when danger has passed. They are gossips and can, due to their size and secretive nature, eaves drop on almost any conversation or activity they dare to choose. They have delicate features and large liquid eyes. Their hair can be any shade of green and it is typically long and as fine as spider’s silk. It floats in the air and can become entangled in foliage. If you were in search of these fascinating creatures you would look for tell tale signs of green gossamer tangled in the leaves and twigs but be aware that you will only see them if they choose and few have done so. They drink nectar from flowers and drops of dew. They fear only sunlight and strong winds. The Azveil steal silk from spider’s webs to build their homes and to wrap themselves in for warmth in cold weather."
Posted by Magic Beans (Member # 2183) on :
quote:he became aware of the sound of laughter or more precisely, the sound of sniggering
Needs some additional punctuation: "...he became aware of the sound of laughter; or, more precisely, the sound of sniggering." Italicize "sniggering."
I really enjoy the friendly tone of the narration. Overall, I really like this quite a bit. The language, the mood and tone, the descriptions--all very good. The narration flows well and the action is clear.
Perhaps a bit of description to go along with Barzig's name would be in order: describe the shape of her silhouette or that she has crazy fly-away hair, or what have you.
[This message has been edited by Magic Beans (edited October 17, 2004).]
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
The overall tone reminds me of Beatrix Potter and Lewis Carole (not his Alice series). I like the older era feel to it.
quote:... he landed right into a puddle of sticky syrup. ...he tried to scrape the sticky substance off his delicate wings ...
You've got a repetition of sticky here. Now if that isn't a nit-pick, I don't know what is.
I don't know that I agree with wetwilly about reworking the last line; its part of what makes me think of older authors and gives the story its tone. On the other hand, I think his point about the simultaneous action is a good one. (I can't remember what that's called either and just googled it to no avail.)
Posted by Castaway (Member # 2201) on :
Thank you every one for your help. You encouragement and comments are appreciated very much. Tiitle discovers something about himself that he doesnt like and he questions his place in the scheme of things. I need to know if I build the tension in this piece adequately. "That night, Tittle could not stop thinking about what the Lacey had told him."....."He lay down on his bed, amongst the leaves and covered himself with a delicate quilt woven from spiders silk. His fine green hair floated around his face and finally settled on the pillow he had made from foam he collected from the base of the waterfall and dried. He closed his eyes and tried to make sense of his thoughts. He wafted in and out of sleep for some time. Slowly he became aware that he was not alone. Chills rippled up and down his spine as he cautiously sat up and peered fearfully into the night. There, not far away perched on a limb was a very ancient being. It was stooped and its skin was wrinkled like crushed rose petals and its long white hair floated and mingled with its even longer white beard. In its gnarled bent fingers it clutched a crooked wooden staff and the other hand was held out towards him. Tittle stared at it and even though it did not move its lips the being spoke to him.
Posted by Magic Beans (Member # 2183) on :
One more small thing:
quote:scrape the sticky substance
I really have a problem with the word "substance." It's like you don't really know what it is. If you do know what it is, call it by its rightful name.
[This message has been edited by Magic Beans (edited October 18, 2004).]
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :