Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Feymark Chronicles Prologue v. 3

This is topic Feymark Chronicles Prologue v. 3 in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Magic Beans (Member # 2183) on :

quote:
Quilanoptera, Queen of the Fey, and her court of twelve gathered atop an old hillock in the middle of an abandoned apple orchard laden with blooms. At the top of the hillock stood a lone apple tree. She sat upon a mossy boulder that lay tucked into the arms of its roots. Apple blossom petals drifted down, and the full moon shone like an opal on a bed of blue velvet. Faint, human laughter and cries of merriment danced by on the breeze.
Her living crown of moths and fireflies momentarily fluttered in wider orbits around her head as she shook out her wild, golden hair. The fireflies’ light sparked in her violet eyes. Calmly, she straightened out her robes of flower petals and spider silk.
Greenbuck, her Consort, smelled the stench of the Fell King and his retinue before anyone saw them. Greenbuck's woven grass cloak rustled as he planted a hoof forward, arms akimbo. His face was inscrutable behind a mask of oak leaves, though his green eyes glinted in the moonlight.

I'm looking for readers for the whole prologue; it's about 1300 words.

[This message has been edited by Magic Beans (edited October 19, 2004).]

Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :

This version is much better. The pace is better and the level of description is excellent. There also is not the same POV clash as there was in the previous one.

I hope the rest of the story is to match. If you need someone to read the rest of it I have some time so long as I get it by tomorrow.

Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :

Oh yeah, I prefer word format, either doc or rtf is fine. Let me know what level of critique you are looking for if you do send it.

[This message has been edited by yanos (edited October 19, 2004).]

Posted by J (Member # 2197) on :

I'm willing to read it, too. Any format.

Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :

I owe you one after all the Word help. Send it over.

Posted by Robyn_Hood (Member # 2083) on :

This sounds better, but I think you could take even more time to describe things if you want.

Posted by Michaelpfs (Member # 2209) on :

I have been following your progress on this and carefully reading the suggestions of other members and I really am intrigued by the world you're creating.
I actually liked the first paragraph in this new version better. It is more clear to me what's going on.

I agree with the comments made about difficult names, to be honest, when I see a difficult four or five syllable name in a text I usually just gloss over it and in my mind give them a nickname that's easier. Sorry.

As for the description of Greenbuck, I liked v2 better than v3. It may just be me, but it seemed to set of the character better and at the same time paint a picture of the action that was develloping. I would like to see you combine the paragraphs from v2 and v3. The images you present about his stance and the antlers are quite strong.

I usually am not a huge fantasy fan, but you've piqued my interest with this.

Posted by Magic Beans (Member # 2183) on :

Thanks for all the excellent comments and offers. Those who asked have received. All of the feedback has been excellent--it is so nearly impossible to read your own work.