Hatrack River Writers Workshop: UID

This is topic UID in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Jules (Member # 1658) on :

I don't seem to be able to stop writing. I finished a novel draft only a few days ago, I have a plan for a new one to start on with NaNo next week, so what do I do? Take some time off?

No. The morning after I finish it, I wake up with an idea for a short story that demands to be written instead.

3,900 words near-future SF. Would love comments either on the opening or the entire thing. Following is first 13 lines + an extra one to finish the sentence.

--
BF3-029 "Bethany" knocked firmly on the door to her master's living room before entering. The tray of drinks, held in just one hand now, wobbled slightly, but she adjusted her balance automatically to keep it from falling.

"Ah, Bethany, thank you," her master said. David, she reminded herself. It would take her a few days to adjust to being his.

"She's very lifelike," one of his guests said as she placed his drink in front of him.

David laughed. "In most ways, she is alive. Nearly human, in fact. We clone the bodies from human DNA. Only the brains are artificial."

"Why make them with a human body?" another guest asked. Bethany moved around behind the circle of chairs to place a glass of wine on the table next to her as she continued. "Surely an artificial one is cheaper, and more capable?"

Posted by dspellweaver (Member # 2133) on :

This is good. It flows and propels the reader (me) to want to read more.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Count me in, though this doesn't sound terribly near future. One thing that you might want to consider is whether the POV is going to be really central to this. It would be good to get a better sense of just how advanced and human-like her AI is, since that would seem to be a pretty central element of the story.

One fun thing to consider is how well adapted an AI which was probably developed for use in a precisely manufactured body will be when controlling an organic body. Also note that you cannot clone a human body from just the DNA...this gets a bit complicated but the essential point is that it would be rather difficult to clone the body without cloning the brain. Not impossible, merely difficult.

Anyway, I'd like to see the whole thing.

Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :

I wouldn't mind taking a look at the whole thing.

Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :

Jules! You're on a roll! Go all in!

I'd like to see it as well. Please send it my way, and as always, indicate what you'd like for me to look at, and the format that you would like to receive comments in.

I think I got confused between dice and poker, there, but you know what I mean.

Mike

Posted by Jules (Member # 1658) on :

OK, I'll send copies out when I get home from the office. RTF fine with you all?

Posted by Magic Beans (Member # 2183) on :

The more advances take place in neurology and biochemistry, the more brain = software / body = hardware idea is becoming untenable. The more time passes, the more untenable the idea will become. It will not be a matter of sufficiently advanced technology, but sufficiently advanced understanding that will lead us into completely unpredictable directions.

Having said that, I think that what you've written is nearly flawless in terms of how you're beginning the story and setting everything up.

Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :

I'd like to read it.

I was a little confused about why she initially thought of him as "master" and then switched to "David". That felt like "master" was the more natural way for her to think of him, but the next sentence "It would take her a few days to adjust to being his," made it sound like she was unused to belonging to someone, or that their relationship had changed.

quote:
"She's very lifelike," one of his guests said as she placed his drink in front of him.

Are all of the his/hims referring to David?

quote:
Bethany moved around behind the circle of chairs to place a glass of wine on the table next to her as she continued.

I could figure this one out, but its the same question. Is the table next to Bethany or the guest?

And this last is a style nit-pick that you can freely ignore. "The tray of drinks, held in just one hand now..." I find that the word 'just' can be eliminated in most cases. It carries little meaning. While I'm quibbling (and these are definitely quibbles) the word "now" is a little odd, only because I had never seen Bethany holding the tray with two hands.