On the western shore of Lake Llanquihue the sun rising over the Andes brought warmth to the den. Binque and Flaque waited, eyeing each other behind their Father’s broad back, waiting for him to wake, eyes gleaming with mischief. As the sun warmed the den, their Father relaxed in the warmth and after a time he stretched, snorted and fluffed his tail. He was Otter Tribe, Father was, and proud of it. He was big even for an Otter tribesman, and as wide sideways as he was tall. Others sometimes said that he was Otter Half-bear and not a pure-bred Otter at all. This made Father laugh when he heard it.
Posted by Minister (Member # 2213) on :
I'll take a look at it, although for some reason your first opening caught my attention more. I think the tone felt more whimsical and playful.
Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :
Hey Mike I will take a look.
Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :
Thanks, guys. It's not much, but it's all I have at the moment.
Posted by Keeley (Member # 2088) on :
I'll take a look if you still need readers.
Posted by RFLong (Member # 1923) on :
Hi mike
I'd love to have another look.
R
Posted by Michaelpfs (Member # 2209) on :
I think this is an excellent revision. Adding actual characters adds needed tension to the story (tension - a four letter word around these parts lately). I think you did a great job of making the story more accessable to a younger audience without sacraficing the beautiful language.
Posted by shadowynd (Member # 2077) on :
Well, golly, if it's that significantly changed, I'd like another read of it myself. *g*
Susan
Posted by Triarius (Member # 2229) on :
I'd like to read it too. I've had a little experience with real otters in the wild, and this strikes me as catching something of their attitude.
Binque and Flaque waited, eyeing each other behind their Father’s broad back, waiting for him to wake, eyes gleaming with mischief.
I'd rewrite this slightly: Binque and Flaque eyed each other behind their father's broad back, waiting for him to wake; their eyes gleaming with mischief.
or:
Binque and Flaque waited, eyeing each other behind their Father’s broad back, their eyes gleaming with mischief as they waited for him to wake.
Or:
Binque and Flaque waited behind their father's broad back for him to wake, their eyes gleaming mischief at each other.
Posted by Gwalchmai (Member # 1807) on :
I wouldn't mind taking a look either. I've a little bit of spare time and this looks interesting.
Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :
Thanks all. I've sent it to you. It is just a piece, and I hope it is better, but I am still struggling very hard with it. I beleive it can be MUCH improved, so please fire away!!!
Posted by Tess (Member # 2199) on :
I'm interested in YA and teen fiction and would like to take a look, if you're still looking readers. My 12 year old daughter said she might read it too.