Hatrack River Writers Workshop: No Title (First Thirteen)

This is topic No Title (First Thirteen) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by reazwoz (Member # 2223) on :

I need help with grammar and sentence expansion to the beginning of this short story. I'm not really worried about the content.. maybe expanding detail if that makes sense. Of course it does. Please god help me.

_______________________________________

The shrill sound of brakes pierced through the rumbling of the muffler roar. The first break of the clouds was announced with a low thunder. A storm was coming from the east; dimming the light pollution of the Chicago industrial skyline. The latest hours of Aurora were still quiet from light highway traffic on I-88. Blue neon lights from a small diner were illuminating whatever fog which hadn't dissipated from the light acidic drizzle. It was as if the taste never left his mouth from his last visit. A large looming office building shadowed the diner from any ambient city or moonlight. Puddles from an earlier system parted with every fall of his suede boots as he entered the dirty glass doors.

The flourescent lights disorientated him enough to leave him clinging to the register counter. His eyes dialated enough to notice that nobody saw him. There weren't any customers but the waitress and cook were making a lot of noise in the kitchen. Not wasting any time with courtesy, he took the farthest table from the door and sat down in a booth that faced the kitchen door so he wouldn't cause any alarm when she decided to come out from whatever was going on. A loud crash of a metallic pan sounded as he slipped his notebook from a water-tight leather case and opened it up. Another card slid in the side with a metallic-sounding click. Four green neon LCDs lit up from the protruding card after he glanced at the towering, ominous office building next door. With a few quick keystrokes, a fifth red LCD lit up and he had access. This was probably the most comfortable war-driving that he got connection from since he left home. He situated himself in the warming padded vinyl booth and closed his eyes.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

POV

Posted by reazwoz (Member # 2223) on :

i write a lot in the first person. this is in the third person. why are you saying point of view? you want it to be changed? im sick of writing in the first person... living in the first person.. characters reflect myself too much... maybe writing in the third person will help me concentrate on the story

Posted by Minister (Member # 2213) on :

Far be it from me to second guess Survivor, but I don't see much going on here that the POV character couldn't or wouldn't be aware of (although people rarely think in terms of their own eyes dilating).

This seems like it should be tightened up quite a bit, and it leaves me a little dizzy -- I have no idea who the character is, what he is doing, when he is doing it (is this sci-fi?), or why he is doing whatever he is doing. When you say that you need help with sentence expansion, I hope you don't mean that you want to expand these sentences even more; they should already be trimmed down. An example, compressed from the first three sentences would be:

"The sound of brakes pierced the rumbling of mufflers. A low thunder heralded a storm that dimmed the light pollution of the Chicago industrial skyline to the east."

Even what I have could probably be trimmed severely without hurting the story. You simply don't need all the descriptive words ("shrill" for brake sounds, both "rumbling" and "roar" for muffler sounds, a two sentence description of a storm that doesn't look like it will play heavily into the story, etc.)

Posted by reazwoz (Member # 2223) on :

its sci-fi.

its meant to leave you a little dizzy.

it doesn't lead on thats its sci fi until a thousand pages or so... not too good for 13 lines or whatever else i squeezed in. im still confused what your guy's problem with the POV.

thanks for the suggestion to squeeze the first 3 sentences.

Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :

You are using 3PL, which means that your POV character knows who he is and so do we as we are seeing things through his eyes. To himself he is not just another diner, he is Bill Duda, sitting down for dinner, with an aching back and a headache right between the eyes... You have described him and his setting using a cinematic description from outside the POV chraracter

Posted by wetwilly (Member # 1818) on :

I think I know what Survivor is getting at. If it's not what he was getting at, then I would like to get at it.

Minister said:

quote:
I have no idea who the character is, what he is doing, when he is doing it (is this sci-fi?), or why he is doing whatever he is doing.

I think that has a lot to do with it. The problem is that absolutely no POV is established at all upfront. We have no idea whose POV we're seeing this through. It leaves us kind of lost, not sure what's going on. It's usually a good idea to clearly establish POV asap. (I assume this is what Survivor is talking about, because he's pointed out the exact same thing in my stories more than once, and I've found the advice to be right, usually.)

Also, introducing the main character (or any character, really, but especially the main one) without a name is also usually a bad idea. We have to get to know him through the highly impersonal and annoying "he." Who is that guy? Beats me, it's just that guy.

Both of those rules can be broken to good effect if you have a good reason, but I would hesitate to break them without a specific reason why I had to.

Survivor, if that's not what you were getting at, I'll force myself to eat another piece of pumpkin pie.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Ah, but ww has my number. Well, for all newbies, over the course of time I've attributed everything to POV so many times that it has become my "catchphrase", if you will.

The translation provided by ww is correct in all essentials. Basically, you never introduce the POV character. The first reference we get to a possible character of any sort is an unreferenced possessive pronoun, "his", and you never identify the character further.

On the other hand, I would never dream of depriving anyone of pie

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

Maybe we need to include in the FAQ area a list of abbreviations. Barring that, it might be nice to use "third person limited" instead of 3PL when speaking to someone who is new to Hatrack. That way, we can be sure they understand what we are trying to help them with.

(And for those who may have a problem with my ending the last sentence with a preposition, I refer you to something said by Winston Churchill: "That is something up with which I will not put!")

Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :

Yep, WetWilly and Survivor dialed it in. Set the context, using a consistent point of view.

This reminded me of a movie. In a movie this would work, in text it doesn't work that well. The first longer piece that I tried to write had the same problem; I moved POV around so much that it confused the readers.

quote:
POV

LOL, Survivor is the ONLY one here who can get away with that kind of post and still be considered useful.

[This message has been edited by mikemunsil (edited November 26, 2004).]

Posted by reazwoz (Member # 2223) on :

I really think my POV is right one. This is a long one and I think its appropriate.

Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :

Well then, go for it. Make us believe it also.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

You mean this is a long text or something else? Because I wouldn't read more than a couple of pages in this POV. So I think if the work is very long you really should think about using a different POV.