This is dark, disturbing fantasy (it disturbs me, and I wrote it). Approximately 525 words total. It is the result of a flash fic challenge based upon the trigger word "ugly".
Please do not ask to critique if you are offended by adult themes and imagery. There is NO graphic sexual content, although it is alluded to.
Any comments are appreciated, but I would in particularly appreciate any ideas you might have on length, setting the scene, need for more background info, etc.
First 200 words or so follow: -----------------------------
‘He is so ugly.’, Ileyne thought. ‘I can’t go through with it. I just can’t.’ Turning, she caught Dwimmer’s eye, his measuring look. ‘Oh, god. I have to.’ Hastily moving back to her place, she caught the hand of her pledged husband. ‘Maybe. Maybe, if I don’t look at him, it might be easier.’
Together the bride and groom walked calmly down the hall, her hand raised to his grip, his paces slow, hers two for his every one. There were many there that night to witness the joining: werefolk, truefolk and others. They waited in an open space formed underground by nature, expanded and decorated with faux columns by gang labor.
Tension filled the air as the couple entered the chamber. Candles guttered against stone walls but left no mark.
Jahn looked down, ‘This? They were marrying him to this? A waif, a whey-faced child with sticks for bones, and pale. No meat on her at all.’ Casting his gaze to the side he saw Dwimmer watching his bride. Shuddering he turned forward again and slowed his stride to match hers. -----------------------
[This message has been edited by mikemunsil (edited November 27, 2004).]
Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :
First, POV shift. (AH! I'm turning into Survivor )
Second, why wasn't this in my email inbox this morning? Don't you like me anymore?
Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :
Mea culpa, djvdakota. It really IS disturbing, and I wanted you to opt in rather than just inflict it on you. I will send it forthwith, and yes, I am aware of the POV shift, I am trying to make that work as it is essential to the story, I think. You tell me.
ON THE WAY!!!!
a chastened michael
[This message has been edited by mikemunsil (edited November 27, 2004).]
Posted by Kickle (Member # 1934) on :
If you want another reader, I'm curious. email's in my profile.
Posted by wetwilly (Member # 1818) on :
Send it along. wetwilly574@hotmail.com
Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :
Thanks, Kickle, good points.
Posted by rickfisher (Member # 1214) on :
I'll look.
Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :
On its way. Thanks, Rick.
Posted by Tess (Member # 2199) on :
525 words? The above 200 is over a third of it! I'm not sure if I'll take well to something you consider so disturbing, but you've piqued my interest. I'll read it.
Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :
Oooh! Ouch!
On the way!
Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :
Throw it my way too... You should know better than to hide things from us Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :
Blood Eagle referred to in the piece. Not for the squeemish. Ughh! LOL, if you're not from Squeem, then you're OK.
[This message has been edited by mikemunsil (edited November 29, 2004).]
Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :
The BE seems more like an execution method than a toutore. Seems like they would die too fast to get any info out of them. Wonder how they got the idea?
Send it please. I wish to be disturbed.
Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :
They were tough back then.
On its way.
Posted by Rahl22 (Member # 1411) on :
Wow... if you want to be disturbed, you simply have to read that wikipedia entry. Man. That sounds awful.
You can sent it to me.
Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :
On its way.
Thanks for the comments guys.
I was trying to induce a sense of dislocation in the piece. Did any of you get that feeling?
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
You guys are so soft.
Posted by Keeley (Member # 2088) on :
I'll take a look. I like disturbing.
Posted by ender39 (Member # 2222) on :
I like. Send it along to me. I'm new, and have already had a piece critiqued, so I think I should return the favor.
Posted by Tess (Member # 2199) on :
Wow, this is amazing. Mention highlight some gore and look at all the readers you attract!
Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :
yeah, now I'm regretting it. the piece isn't worth the attention it received.
but I'm NOT regretting the comments that I have received in return, or the fact that some of you were so nice as to reply. I APPRECIATE that! Thank you.
)