[This message has been edited by Phanto (edited December 14, 2004).]
quote:
May kept looking (east?), swaying back and forth as the waves rocked the boat, her mind clear and relaxed. Suddenly it hit her. She had nothing, no supplies at all, except for the bag of coins from the sale of her family's house. No food or water. And fresh water would be impossible to obtain in the ocean. Either make it to land, or die of dehydration.
This would be easier for me to read.
Also the last sentence is a fragment. Sometimes fragments work, this time it doesn't.
But for me the most distracting part is the word "popular" - which feels expository - if the poem is important to the story, then introduce it earlier, and more casually, so that its popularity is apparent to the reader - that way your character doesn't have to tell the reader that the poem is popular.
but, you know, i am deeply biased against having characters use poems/song lyrics/literary references etc to illustrate how they're feeling - to me it always feels like a failure of imagination.
In the above passage, the use of a poem helps characterize May. She intellectualizes things. This gives me a feeling of distance from the problem. I assume she's going to lose that distance very quickly.
Don't talk down to your audience. Of course most people haven't read the poem. Their loss. Use it if it informs or sets off the story.
<No food or water. And fresh water would be impossible to obtain in the ocean. What did the poem say? Water, water, everywhere, nor any drop to drink. Coleridge, she thought. Not that it mattered.>
I'm not claiming my restatement is good. I am claiming that you could use the poetic reference as an interesting way to further reveal Mary's mental state (fragments of poetry drifted as aimless as the boat through her stunned mind . . . ); character (Mary laughed defiantly. "Water, water everywhere, nor any drop to drink!" she chanted); knowledge (Mary searched for an appropriate quotation. Of course. Coleridge); or even history (What was that dreadful poem her tutor always made her read? Something about "water, water, everywhere" but how you couldn't drink any of it).
One of the points I haven't seen mentioned yet is that in your fragment you call it the "Time of the Old Mariner". If this is part of the story you've shared before on F&F, trying to quote an Earth poem in the world you've created will be a distraction at best. At worst, it will destroy the illusion completely.
That doesn't mean you can't insert it in there. Like J said, you could mention it indirectly, or attribute the concept to a poem that already exists in your world, changing the title more than you already have so that it expresses your world's unique nature more completely. IMO you'd still be paying homage, but in a more organic way.
Of course, if this is in our world, feel free to flame me.