She struggled to keep her eyes on them as she fell to the trampoline again. Dizzy, she lost her balance and fell over, laughing. The grey cat leapt to its feet beside the trampoline. “It’s OK, Pepper,” she assured him. “I won’t fall on you.” Pepper seemed to forget his moment of embarrassment, and began casually licking his paws.
“Lydia!” It was her mom. She was going to call Lydia in for the night. She said the men were coming tomorrow to take the house. She never did say where they were taking it.
Lydia wanted to stay outside as long as she could, so she didn’t answer. She bounced again, laughing at the way it turned her stomach upside down. The night air was chilly, and she could feel the dew settling, the scent of smoke still lingering in the air. Her fingers were sticky from ketchup on the hot dogs Mom barbequed.
***
I'm willing to share the first chapter with anybody who want to give me their thoughts. ~2500 words.
The sentence "She never did say where they were taking it," is funny, but the humor was jarring to me after the dreamy quality of the first two paragraphs. However, it tells me this girl is probably very young.
I'll read. Send it over.
i would say either wax even more poetic and deliberately show us poetic prowess, or get rid of poeticism altogether... of course, you would have to then slowly lead us back out of the poetic and into plain prose, no one likes being in poetic for too long, unless they are really intending on reading poetry
I got that she was young both from the fact that she's jumping on a trampoline in the night and that she considers trillions to be a logical progression from thousands. But I could have gotten that she was jumping on a trampoline first, then got that she was distracted by the stars for a moment while jumping, if it had been written a bit different.
Still, it's a good opening. I'd like to read the rest of the chapter.
I only have two nits with the opening:
1. Why say "the grey cat" - She knows the cat's name and if we are in her head she would say (in 3rd) - Pepper, her cat, ....
2. This paragraph bothers me.
quote:
“Lydia!” It was her mom. She was going to call Lydia in for the night. She said the men were coming tomorrow to take the house. She never did say where they were taking it.
It is the use of "was" that bothers me. I read it as a change of tense, which confused me for a moment, like maybe Lydia could read her mother's mind or something.
It might be clearer if stated more like - "Lydia!", her mother called. And maybe then have her mom say, "It's time to come in." or just plain - "Lydia, it's time to come in." and then give Lydia's thoughts on the house and why she does not want to come in yet.
For what it's worth.
Quote: Thousands. Trillions.
Yes, it is an absurd progression, and one that reveals character. However, at the same time, I find the jump -- personally -- a little annoying. Perhaps a lower-but-still-high number, such as billions or millions?
Quote: The grey cat leapt to its feet beside the trampoline.
a) Though it's obvious shortly, the word the makes me react with "huh? What cat? Where is it coming from?"
b) Right now, the cat is refereded to in neuter form. You switch to "him" next sentence. I, again personally, dislike giving animals gender as it feelse like a melodramatic personification.
Quote: “Lydia!” It was her mom. She was going to call Lydia in for the night. She said the men were coming tomorrow to take the house. She never did say where they were taking it.
This entire chunk feels rushed and a break from the slower pace established earlier. It is disorienting, somewhat.