Any comments or suggestions on what follows would be much appreciated!
TO FLY
1915.
The Bosche was boiling children to get oil for his machines, or so the newspaper headlines read.
There were a great many newspaper readers out on the docks as we prepared to depart New York Harbor. They were clamoring to get aboard, sail to Liverpool, and enlist in the British Expeditionary Force. Yanks and Canadians, mostly, and British businessmen who had liquidated their New York holdings and were sailing home to do their bit. At the appointed time, the other pursers and I winched down the gangways and descended into the throng to tote baggage.
I carried a single bag for a lone English woman with a black band around her arm and a badge of red ribbon and pewter pinned to her chest, the kind the War Office sends out with a condolence letter.
(Edited to insert paragraph breaks.)
[This message has been edited by Corpsegrinder (edited December 17, 2004).]
Posted by Keeley (Member # 2088) on :
Interesting. How many words is it?
Posted by Corpsegrinder (Member # 2251) on :
It's about 5500 words, give or take.
Posted by Keeley (Member # 2088) on :
I think I can handle that. Send it on over.
Posted by Corpsegrinder (Member # 2251) on :
It's on its way. Thanks!
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Your first line is a bit detached from the rest of the opening. Not totally detached, we can see that this is the headline on the newspapers in the scene. And of course the headline sort of relates to the whole "War Fervor" atmosphere...except that aside from that headline and the word "clamoring" the scene doesn't communicate any sense of real fervor.
The problem is that just how your narrator feels about that line isn't clear. Does he think it's probably a bit irresponsible to print such a thing, or does he think it's all one with the pewter medals sent out to the bereaved? Maybe he implicitly believes it? I doubt that, the press then did not enjoy the reputation it later attained, but if he does believe that, how does he feel about it?
Posted by Corpsegrinder (Member # 2251) on :
Hmmm. Yeah, I can see where you're coming from. The narrator is supposed to be a kind of a cynical jerk, and if this became obvious in the first couple lines it would improve things. I’ll put it in the “Fix It” list.
