* * *

"It's a fine introduction, boy," Aerik said as he put a reassuring hand on his son's shoulder. "A fine introduction -- to what will be an even finer tale."

The boy, Aethan, was sitting cross-legged on a reed mat stretched out on the earthen floor of the hut. A shallow wooden frame filled with beeswax, scratched full of letters, was lying across his lap. If he were standing up properly, he would be tall and straight, and modestly handsome; slouched over his text as he was -- back rounded, shoulders pinched, belly bulging, neck thrust forward, head canted upward -- he looked like a candle that has been burned too long and lost its shape.

"It's too plain," Aethan replied.

Aerik crossed over to the middle of the stone hut and poked at the small heating fire with a long stick, ...

* * *

Your feedback welcome. (Edited to add paragraph breaks.)

[This message has been edited by Mekvat (edited December 22, 2004).]
 

Feel free to send over what you've written. I'm jforrest_2004 at yahoo.com
 

As you can see, I took the 13 line thing pretty literally. Here's the rest of that last paragraph:

* * *

Aerik crossed over to the middle of the stone hut and poked at the small heating fire with a long stick, sending sparks up through the hole in the roof directly above. "Nah," he said. " 'The greater king needs fewer trumpets.' " He laid the stick down next to the fire, scratched his beard, and squinted across at Aethan. His eyesight was deteriorating, but he would not admit it. " 'It's the poor king that makes all the racket.' "

* * *

(The single quotes mark a proverb or folk-saying, in case that's not obvious.)
 

Here's a nit-pick for you--could you rename one of the characters so that they don't have such similar names?
 

Sili
 

Mary makes some good points. But they are nitpicks. The rest, as Siligurl says, is interesting enough that I'd like to keep reading. So send a bit over if you'd like.

Thanks for the attention, er, feedback.

MaryR, on "small heating fire" you may be happy to know that the first draft simply said "small fire". Then, some rotten nitpicker (read: friend) said: What's the fire for? -- For heating the hut, of course. -- Yeah, but they might be cooking on it. -- Well, sure, they *would* cook on it, if it were mealtime. But they happen to be going to bed, so the indoor fire happens to be for heating ... at the moment. Later on, the *same* fire might be a cooking fire. It's sort of a multi-purpose fire.

At least, that's how I remember the conversation. But now, I feel vindicated. I will happily go back to "small fire".

In any case, I didn't mean to imply the existence of "cold" fire. What I'm writing here is a natural world, rather than supernatural. It's a fantasy novel, but the only elements of the novel that are "fantastic" are the non-human races. Think sword-n-sorcery epic without the sorcery. And only a few swords, for that matter.

 

I know that my naming schemes violate the sacred rules of novelry, but the violations are intentional.

The names for Aethan and Aerik are intentionally very similar. They are father and son, and the traditional thing to do in their culture is to choose an alliterative name for your firstborn son. (Be thankful that I didn't name them Aerik and Aerik, Jr.) Remember Eowyn, Eomer, and Eorl from LOTR.

Besides, it only gets worse. My other post was entitled "Lestrelathalastálani," which is both a tongue twister and a typesetter's nightmare. But the culture he belongs to places a high value on individual identity, and coincidentally, all members of the highest caste must choose a name that has never been chosen before. Sacred genealogies are kept for this purpose, and if two living people are discovered with the same name, the younger must find a new moniker. Etc, etc.

(Les-trelath-a-las-taláni, means "an ancient hatred he protects", in case you were dying to know. Aerik comes from Aya-al-rik, "owl on a branch". Aethan from Aya-al-tann, "owl at a river".) (Note to self: The long names are less intimidating with hyphens.)

All this name frippery has a point that is central to the novel. The main protagonist, Aethan, is a polyglot. This is the "magical gift" that propels the story. Furthermore, one of the major themes of the novel is the intersection between language and culture. How people choose to label one another and themselves is one such intersection.

Sorry, I tend to ramble. Comments greatly appreciated!

Mekvat (son of Migrat)

PS, when it comes time to write the lizard-men, I promise not to subject readers to transliterations of consonantal tooth chomps or inhaled vowels.
 

Sili, you said you'd keep reading. May I impose on you in the same manner?

[This message has been edited by Mekvat (edited January 05, 2005).]