Looking for feedback on this. I am second-guessing myself on how to improve it.
Raven left town with four large diamonds and a hangover. A week’s worth of merry making in the local tavern had almost dulled his memory of his recent success. Nearly all of the Goldfingers in town were seeing him off to his next job. His vibrant green eyes were hidden behind the hood of his cloak in order to disguise his identity; of course all the thieves in town recognized him. That was the trouble with fame: it attracted a lot of unwanted attention. His leather boots clapped up the wooden gangplank and onto the deck of the Dancing Parrot. Three gold coins bought him a large cabin, which he barricaded himself into. At least he was traveling in style.
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
Are Goldfingers the same as thieves? Is he one? What was his success? Does it play an important part in the upcoming story or is it back story? Either way, I want to know something a little more specific.
What's this culture like that only his green eyes would give him away? Are we talking a caste system of some sort?
Beyond that, I'm expecting something to go wrong on the voyage and that it will be related to the four large diamonds.
Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :
Yeah, I agree with Mary. Lots of question, not many answers. And, sure, those answers will come, I'm sure. But to be a reliable narrator your reader needs to know the answers to those questions as your POV characters knows them.
Overall, your descriptions are quite competent. I like the line about his shoes slapping on the gangplank. But not enough of them. Not enough narration to draw me into this world.
Posted by corycdaughton (Member # 1875) on :
Thanks for taking a look, I've never posted here before and forgot to include my e-mail address and invite you to e-mail if you want to read the entire short.
Your first impressions are helpful to me though! Let me know if you want the whole short -Cory corycdaughton@yahoo.com
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
A few things might help you snare some readers. When you post the fragment, tell us how many words the story is. Mention the genre (though that's fairly clear with yours) and mention that you are looking for readers. Those interested will post in your thread that they'd like you to send them the whole piece. You can also offer to read other people's pieces, or at least offer your feedback on the fragments posted.
So, how long is this?
[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited January 05, 2005).]
Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :
If you need a reader, and it is under 5000 words, I'll take a look. My email addy is in my profile
Posted by Mekvat (Member # 2271) on :
I'd be happy to read as well, granting that I'll give you only as much feedback as I can muster, and no sooner than whenever I manage to get around to it. Pax!
Posted by corycdaughton (Member # 1875) on :
Thank you for your helpful suggestions! Golden Lure is 3700 words long and is about a young thief who gets in over his head. He is the MC of a novel so I'm trying to develop a good short for him.
