The pigeons hardly complained about a thing. Which was why Gerald came to meet them, day after day. No matter whether he brought bread crumbs, or cat food, or, on the day that the check came, bird seed in a paper bag, the pigeons were happy, both to see him, and eat from his hand. Happy just to be alive.
Unlike Gerald.
It was enough to just be in the park, some days. Even if the maintenance crew came too close with their leaf blowers, and that cute young nanny gave him odd looks when she caught him staring, it was still a good day if he had the bench to himself, and the pigeons gathered around. Somedays he’d talk to them, nothing serious, just idle chit-chat, comments on the weather or the news, some little tidbit he’d read in the paper. But not every day, and not today.
Today, despite the overcast sky putting its chill into his old bones, he had come to the park because it hurt less here than at home. He could feel Hildy too much today, smell her scent in their drafty house. So let the birds come, dear brainless little friends. Let them draw near. There’s bird seed today. Damn the electric bill.

[This message has been edited by Netstorm2k (edited January 09, 2005).]
 

I only thought of two things that seemed a bit off. "Unlike Gerald" rather than "Unlike himself" kind of implies a sudden distancing from the character. If you felt the need to mention his name again, then "It was enough for Gerald to..." might work just as well. That change also focuses on Gerald as the person for whom it is enough to just be in the park.

The other problem was "So let the birds come, dear brainless little friends." This clearly suggests that the "dear brainless little friends" are being instructed to "let the birds come". That kinda broke the mood for me, particularly since this is a "mental quote" (though it would probably also be bad any other way).

Still, this does well in establishing character, setting and some sort of incipient conflict or tension.
 

[This message has been edited by Netstorm2k (edited January 10, 2005).]

[This message has been edited by Netstorm2k (edited January 10, 2005).]
 

*sniffle*
 

[This message has been edited by Netstorm2k (edited January 10, 2005).]
 

I know it's the second time I've "endorsed" one of his stories.

Oh, and I'm not doing it out of a favor or anything, I'm doing it because I mean it.

[This message has been edited by ChrisOwens (edited January 11, 2005).]