Life would be so much easier if I were a cartoon character. To put it more technically, I would still be alive if I was a cartoon character. I would have survived the baby grand falling from the crane three stories up and crushing eighty percent of the bones in my body on its way to shattering against the sidewalk. Cartoon characters are made of some weird elastic substance. I on the other hand, as noted by the crushing comment, am, err… was made of no such thing.
I sucked at yoga too, so maybe the non-elastic thing isn’t surprising on multiple levels.
***
1400 Words. Looking for readers for the whole thing, although any comment welcome. The first line is fixed based on the requirements of The First Line
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
ooh! Me, me! I want to read it. I couldn't think of a thing to do with this one.
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
Yeah, I got nowhere with this line either! I'd love to read yours.
Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :
That's a darned better line than "The inside was dark."
I'll read.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Heh.
I'm up for this.
Posted by GZ (Member # 1374) on :
I had some problems with this one too. Then something sort of clicked (I hope anyway ) last night.
Story sent to those who asked.
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
Whoa. I'm doing a crit on this, don't worry. But I wanted to say that's a knock-down ending. Nice spin.
Posted by HuntGod (Member # 2259) on :
What? Does he see live people :-)
Sorry...couldn't resist. I too would be interested in looking at this if you want another reader.
Posted by Lord Darkstorm (Member # 1610) on :
I'll take a look...
Posted by HuntGod (Member # 2259) on :
It was a very enjoyable little piece, I've emailed you my commentary.
I look forward to reading it again when you've polished it some more.
Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :
I'm sorry I missed this. I always like looking at other people's first line stories, especially when I'm participating. if you still need someone to take a look at a draft of this send it over and if not I'll just keep my fingers crossed for you.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
I'm sorry I missed it too. GZ's stories are always so fun.
Posted by GZ (Member # 1374) on :
Didn't you get it, Survivor? You were supposed to get it...
Posted by Lord Darkstorm (Member # 1610) on :
I enjoyed it. I'ts nice to read things that are different. Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
I got it this time, at least.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I'd like to read it.
Posted by GZ (Member # 1374) on :
Thanks for the offer, wbriggs, but at this point, I've got about all the feedback I can process on this one.
Posted by HuntGod (Member # 2259) on :
Was my feedback helpful? It was the first I'd done here and was concerned it might have irritated you, which was not my intent.
Posted by GZ (Member # 1374) on :
Almost all feedback is helpful at some level.
But since this is the second time you’ve asked me this, I feel like you actually asking me to critique your critique. This is an awkward request for me if you are, and it makes me uncomfortable. When I put something out for critique, I’m basically asking for someone's opinion and reactions. These opinions and reactions really shouldn't be critiqued, since they are an individual’s response to a piece of fiction. They all have value and are helpful (unless someone is just out-and-out rude, which you were not) since they are a measure of the more impartial response of the wider reading audience. As a writer I may use some things, ignore others, or use ideas in ways that they weren’t intended but that fit with my picture of how the story needs to be. That all depends on my relationship with the piece, which, for better or worse, determines what the final set of words on the page are.
What it comes down to is that I don’t know how to say anything about your comments without the possibility of seeming to be arguing or judging what you said, and I don’t want to do that.
Personally, I like to leave my reaction to a critique as a variant of Thank You. I may ask for clarification on a comment, or say if a comment really sparked an idea for something. But mostly it's just Thank You.
So again, Thank You. Thank you for taking the time to tell me what you thought about my piece in a polite and carefully thought-out manner.
And, no, you haven’t made me mad on your first time critiquing. That isn’t why I’m not saying anything more definite than I have. Please understand my choice of reply is based on my feelings about critiques in general, not yours in particular.
If you want more specific critiquing skills suggestions, I recommend reading through some of the old threads on the subject or starting a new general discussion in the Writing Topics part of the forum. Something that doesn’t quite put me on the spot so much.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Really, the main thing in a critique is to be honest and do your level best for the author. Being polite is good if you can manage it, and of course we all hope to be helpful, but politeness isn't actually very compatable with criticism and whether or not you're helpful is up to the writer.
Now I will usually indicate it if I found a critique completely unhelpful. And I'll often indicate which specific parts of a good critique I found most useful, though not always, as I sometimes abstract a recieved critique quite a bit and the most important thing I learn might not be anything the critiquer actually mentioned.
Posted by HuntGod (Member # 2259) on :
That was basically what I was looking for.
I wasn't attempting to make you uncomfortable.
After sending off the initial "critique" I expected a reply saying thanks or something. Since I didn't receive one, I sent an email asking if it had been helpful, again no reply.
At that point I was concerned either you'd never received it, or that I had irritated you and so I posted here.
I wasn't trying to create a dialogue or anything.
Posted by GZ (Member # 1374) on :
That's really strange. I replied both times (to the crit, and your question), replying to the emails you had sent me. <grumble, grumble> Stupid Hotmail. Sorry the messages didn't get through to you.
Posted by HuntGod (Member # 2259) on :
Np, my ISP just started doing some sort of spamblocker thing and it probably blocked them.
I've tried to turn it off and have had no luck :-(
