I'm working on my piece for this February's first lines and I would appreciate any comments that anyone has on these 13 lines or volunteers to read the whole thing. (Not finished yet so I don't know how long exactly but contest specifies less than 3k for sure.)
This is a different format than I'm used to. Even if you don't have time to read the whole thing I would love comments and even simple reflection on these lines...what do you think is happening here? Do I need to spell it out better?
Oh yeah...genere...maybe psychological horror or something like that.
Title: Ana
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Life would be so much easier if I were a cartoon character. Music would follow me wherever I went, gravity would not be a problem so long as I never opened a physics book, and if I wanted to be thin I need only allow a steam roller to press me flat.
--dietpepsi
December 04, 2004
I gained half a pound today. I’m so disgusting I can’t even stand to look in the mirror. It’s not fair. My mom’s body is perfect and she’s thirty-five. Wasn’t I supposed to inherit her body?
I changed the web page today a little bit, for those of you who didn’t notice. I added an interactive chat area to the message boards. I’ll be around most of tomorrow for anyone who wants to chat. I need volunteers to moderate, though. This is a pro-ana and pro-mia site and I don’t want jealous fat people heating things up with their ignorant comments like they do on the message boards. I’ve cleaned up some of the worst of them. “Your hair is ugly, your teeth are rotted, and you have bad breath.” I couldn’t believe anyone would say that. What do they know?
Posted by HuntGod (Member # 2259) on :
First question, the quote at the beginning by "dietpepsi" what was the origin of that? GZ's story "Boundaries of Keys" has the same first line and I thought it an odd coincidence.
I'm assuming this opening is a Diary entry or some such, because of the date and tone of it.
I did not feel any real connection with the character other than a mild contempt, since the tone came across as conceited and self absorbed, if that was the intention, good job. There is a risk in doing that though, since alot of readers will not feel a strong urge to read about this character.
Also the nasty comments about ugly hair, bad breath, rotted teeth, fall pretty flat as insults go. Come up with something realy nasty that would warrant her being angry about them.
Even conceited self absorbed people can generate compassion if you are reading there inner thoughts. Starting with a diary passage you could really make us feel the pain she experiences from comments and actions that many would find inconsequential.
Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :
Sorry, I thought I mentioned that this was for the FZirst Line...every story in an issue of the First Line has the same first line. This quarter's line is "Life would be so much easier if I were a cartoon character." I suspect that there will be halfa dozen or so of these first line stories from hatrackers.
Posted by HuntGod (Member # 2259) on :
You did but I wasn't familiar with that :-)
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
I'll read, Christine.
pro-ana stuff creeps me out. This should be good.
Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :
I haven't read for you in a very long time. I wouldn't mind giving it a read, but you'll have to explain pro-ana and pro-mia and any other net-based lingo I might come across.
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
pro-ana is pro-anorexia - tips and tricks and support groups for anorexics reaching their goals. creepy stuff.
I don't know what pro-mia is, though, even after reading the story.
Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :
Well I'm guessing that mia is for bulemia
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
ah. I couldn't figure out how you got "mia" out of "bulimia" but somehow when you posted that just now the last 3 letters just leapt out at me.
Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :
The leap from anorexia to bulimia was not so great.
Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :
I'm sorry, yanos, but I don't think I'm understanding your reference. What, exactly, are you referring to?