[This message has been edited by Barnett (edited January 19, 2005).]
For a lot of reasons, we ask that you only post 13 lines of your work on the board. So, you should edit your post and remove everything past "cities filled with monsters of all sorts."
The upside is that we here on Hatrack have a fondness for all things ninja. You shouldn't have too much trouble getting requests to read more of your story... maybe.
*Test- 13 lines in word with indention, 12 pt font*
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
*result- 13 lines in word=11 lines +1 blah*
Oh yeah, and I'm thinking those location names sound a little too familiar. It could just be me...
[This message has been edited by ArCHeR (edited January 21, 2005).]
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
which looks like about 6 and a half forum lines.
[This message has been edited by rickfisher (edited January 21, 2005).]
He remembered the days when he occupied a complete body, the days when he was a ruthless kind of evil. He sought after knowledge, for knowledge was power, and power ruled over those around him. But now he was different, he no longer felt those evil urges to control. He wanted instead to learn, to gain wisdom, perhaps to make up for the wrong he’d done most of his undead life. Time meant little to him; the years and centuries that had flown by since he’d been born. He was ageless, a being that had lived so long that his deteriorated body had collapsed, making him the first of a new race. He was an immortal living in a mortal world in a timeless time.
Seemed a good place to cut. I'll submit and double check, edit if need be. Oh, what does IMHO stand for? And for the record, I normally use 12 point font.
[This message has been edited by Barnett (edited January 21, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Barnett (edited January 21, 2005).]
I copied and pasted Barnett's original post into my manuscript template, and that's how I decided the cutoff. I'm using 12 pt New Courier (a monospaced font, and that's an important difference to note... it uses up more space per line than, say, Arial or Times New Roman), which is the recommended font for manuscripts. My margins are at 1 inch. This resulted in precisely 12 complete lines, with two words appearing on the 13th line. Since a new paragraph started afterward, I said to myself, "Yep. Here's the best place to cutoff."
Right. Enough of that. On to the newest submission:
quote:
Standing out oddly in the miles of grassy plains that surrounded it, the opening of the cave was seven feet in length; he could walk through it flawlessly.
Two points to make about this line. First, Openings are rarely defined by length... I think you probably should use height or width instead, depending on the orientation of the opening. Second, "flawlessly" is an odd choice of wording. Perhaps "easily" would be more suitable.
quote:
It extended underground, as though it had been handmade or even magically made underground first, and then forced upward so that the above ground residents of Sylvania would feel free to explore yonder.
This is an awkward passage, but it's got a nice appeal to it anyway. I would recommend rewording it a bit for clarity's sake. For example:
"Lukas knew the cave extended deep underground. It appeared as if it were dug by hand -- perhaps even magically -- starting first from below and carved upward till it broke the surface, so that the residents of Slyvania would be enticed to explore its depths further."
Or something like that. And yes, this is far more interesting that the earlier submission.
[This message has been edited by HSO (edited January 21, 2005).]
...
Lukas peeked over the edge of the small mound of grass, gazing at the mouth of the cave carefully. Standing out oddly in the miles of grassy plains that surrounded it, the opening of the cave was seven feet in length; he could walk through it flawlessly. It extended underground, as though it had been handmade or even magically made underground first, and then forced upward so that the above ground residents of Sylvania would feel free to explore yonder.
Yeah, right, who was that foolish? Lukas grinned to himself, looked left and right to ensure himself that he was indeed alone out here, and then stood up to cross the twenty-foot distance between himself and the cave...
Lukas peeked over the edge of the small mound of grass, gazing at the mouth of the cave carefully. Standing out oddly in the miles of grassy plains that surrounded it, the opening of the cave was seven feet in height; he could walk through it easily. It looked as though it had been handmade or even magically made underground first, and then forced upward so that the above ground residents of Sylvania would feel free to explore yonder.
IMHO= In My Humble Opinion. I never use that phrase, myself.
Finally, the thing about starting out with something interesting doesn't mean, particularly, that you post the first interesting thing in your book. It means that you make the first thing in your book interesting. You'll find all sorts of disagreement on exactly how important this is, especially in a novel rather than a short story. However, you probably don't want to start with a history or geography lesson, at least not unless that lesson is intrinsically interesting in and of itself. Move on to the point where the character is at least starting to get involved in something of interest, and let us have the info when we need it, and when the POV character has a reason to be thinking of it.
[This message has been edited by rickfisher (edited January 22, 2005).]
Regarding the rewrite: Yonder just doesn't work in this context -- at least to me. Yonder implies distance away from the person viewing, not necessarily depth. Example: Over yonder hills... Exploring the cave is just that, exploration, not yonder. Caves are usually considered by the depth.
Further, "carefully" is misplaced and maybe not even required, since "peeked" could easily be considered a "careful" action. I think what you want is "cautiously" and in the right place, too.
quote:
Lukas peeked over the edge of the small mound of grass, gazing at the mouth of the cave carefully.
Could be (with license): "Prone, Lukas cautiously peeked over a small mound of grass, the mouth of the cave coming into focus: ominous, and yet enticing."
quote:
Standing out oddly in the miles of grassy plains that surrounded it, the opening of the cave was seven feet in height; he could walk through it easily.
This is good. But here again, "standing out" already implies an oddity. Rectifiable as such:
"Standing out, an oddity in the miles of grassy plains that surrounded it, the cave opening was seven feet high; he could easily walk through it since he was a dwarf." (not that he is a dwarf, but you know, I couldn't resist).
quote:
It looked as though it had been handmade or even magically made underground first, and then forced upward so that the above ground residents of Sylvania would feel free to explore yonder.
Other than the yonder bit, this line still troubles me. I think it's the "forced upward" bit. But if you add to the beginning of this that the whole of the cave structure was forced upward, it would clarify your intent. Because I think you're trying to say that it's almost a monolithic thing, just standing there, that would seem to go nowhere if you walked around it, and yet it does go somewhere, mysteriously enough. Am I right?
He is a fighter, it is the primary function in life, but no he doesn't fight everyone he meets. Just most of them. Most often, when he fights, he kills.
Regarding the "yonder" sentence, I agree it wasn't the best choice of words. I was reluctant to use "big" words in describing how Lukas thought because as a character just starting out, I didn't think he'd know enough to know the words.
Defcarr would think like that. Most of the characters in the story would think like that. Lukas is like stuck in high school.
_______________________________________________
First off let me say I am usualy straight forward and makes me seem harsh, but I do not mean to be that way.
If this is the begining of the story, somewhere in the limits of what you can post there should be somekind of action OR get the reader introduced to the main character.
I like the discription of the lands but you shouldn't start with it. You can put the discription later OR work bits and peices into the story as it progresses.
Someone once told me when you write a story it should be like standing with a picture touching your nose. As the story goes on it would be like slowly stepping back giving you more and more of the picture.
Just my two cents worth. Hope it helps.
_____________________________________________
Sorry about that but I feel that this should go where it was supposed to even though it is late it may help some. *shrugs*
quote:
And yet my biggest problem is still seeing a story through.
Does this mean that you don't finish them, that you lose interest before you can get to the end? If so, try narrowing the scope of your story a bit... or create an outline... or any number of things to keep you going.
In any event, keep writing -- even if it's drivel and unnecessary. You can always go back and cut things and make improvements. But a story ends when it ends. Don't look at it as a length thing, instead see at as simply telling the story that needs to be told.
There's a lot more advice that could be given about this subject, but since I'm not really clear what your trouble is, I'm not sure it would be appropriate. Apologies if this isn't in line with what you were saying.
Just my humble opinion. Hope this Helps (HTH)!
Cindy