Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Proposition

This is topic The Proposition in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Netstorm2k (Member # 2279) on :

Need opinions on this one. Lemme know if you want to take a look. It's 7765 words, horror.

“Damn it!”
Joel gave the padlock a good hard yank, but it wasn’t moving. The landlord hadn’t bothered with any of those skimpy little Walmart locks, either. This one had come straight from a locksmith, complete with a thick steel hasp and staple, and six big screws, drilled deep into the door and the doorjamb like metal termites burrowing in for a feast.
The eviction notice taped to the door said it all. The fact that he hadn’t paid rent in three months only added the frustration of having his stuff held until he paid up. And at nine-hundred and sixty bucks, it was going to be awhile until that happened.
Joel kicked the door a few times, the last time hard as he could, but it didn’t budge. “****!”
Mr. Pearson, his neighbor in 303, opened his door a crack and peeked out. Joel turned and glared at him. “What?”
“Nothing, nothing.” The old man closed his door and went back to his soaps.
Joel turned and slumped back against the door, letting his feet slide out until he was sitting on the floor. He was definitely screwed now.

Posted by JBSkaggs (Member # 2265) on :

Hi I might be interested in reading it, I like the start. But what kind of horror is it?

Posted by Netstorm2k (Member # 2279) on :

Horrifyingly horrible horror.

Posted by JBSkaggs (Member # 2265) on :

Ok well if its THAT then send it over
jbskaggs at hotmail dot com

Posted by Netstorm2k (Member # 2279) on :

All things being equal, I don't know exactly how I would define the horror type. It's not vampire/monster type stuff. It's just kinda eerie(I think) But that's why I need an opinion or eight. It's actually only my second foray into the fearful folds of fright fiction.
*smacking self on forehead to shake out alliterations*

Posted by JBSkaggs (Member # 2265) on :

Good horror may be in my opinion the most difficult form of speculative fiction. It's really hard to create fear in a reader. Disgust- easy, weirdness- easy, but pure empathic fear- HARD.

I have never been frightened by anything King ever wrote. Lovecraft yes. But I can only read so much tons of description and narrative without dialogue before I get a headache. Clive Barker never scared me, he had the opposite effect of creating a empathy for the monsters.

The two most frightening scenes for me were not horror. One was Tony Hillerman where a man was hiding in a hospital listening to a killer kill everyone in the room. The other was a non fiction book on infectious disease. It was an eye witness account of a disease spread by the assasin bug. Were the intestines literally become flaccid dead tubes.

For me horror isn't the gross splatter but the deep connection to the victim and living their fears. If you can't connect me to the victim then at best I have a curiousity.

Posted by Netstorm2k (Member # 2279) on :

quote:
For me horror isn't the gross splatter but the deep connection to the victim and living their fears.

That's my idea in a nutshell.
Mostly.

Posted by Netstorm2k (Member # 2279) on :

Okay, so it's not horror, but dark fantasy.

Jeez, some people...

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

For me, horror is the deep connection to the perpetrator. Part of that is because I don't feel much sympathy for victims, part of that is because I find it more horrifying to identify myself in the monster.

But that can be a deceptive thing to say. After all, the true monster is rarely the guy wearing the goofy mask. It's often the blond with the ripped shirt

I'll give this a try. The opening didn't build much interest, but it wasn't a bit turn-off either. I will say that a guy that can't get past this lock already has me chuckling at him...but that's as good a place as any to begin.

Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :

I'll take a look. But, as usual, I only do about 3000 words. Just my personal policy. If I can't STAND not to know the rest I'll let you know and you can send it, too.

Under the bridge again? Midnight?

Posted by Kickle (Member # 1934) on :

Dark fantasy,I'll read it. Emails in my profile.

Posted by Netstorm2k (Member # 2279) on :

I kicked it out to the designated respondees (you know who you are, so don't bother hiding your faces.)

Thanks......
Me.

Posted by Tess (Member # 2199) on :

No shortage of readers for you. I hesitated on this one because of the length. I don't want to get as detailed as I did on the last critique--I can see that passive voice stuff starting already--but again, I find the style appealing. Send if my way if you'd like.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

My comments so far:

>“Damn it!”
This line doesn't add anything, for me

>The fact that he hadn’t paid rent in three months only added the frustration of having his stuff held until he paid up.
I don't understand this line. If his not paying the rent frustrated him, he could have paid it.

Beyond that, I like the fragment. You might be able to leave out some of the lines and give it more punch. The kick of the door and the "What?" show me his anger effectively. I also get that he's amoral at best, and lives in a very low-rent area.

Posted by Netstorm2k (Member # 2279) on :

In Oklahoma city, 330 bucks a month is average rent.