Gerald picked up his pencil and said, “Sarah, you know this is necessary. I don’t enjoy it much either, but it has to be done.”
I really appreciated Gerald’s help, but I had no idea how these tests could possibly benefit my mental state. Maybe he was too intelligent to reach down to my mediocre level of comprehension, or perhaps he already had reached me without my knowledge.
“Besides,” Gerald smiled and said, “Here with me is better than in prison for murder.”
Perhaps root me more in the scene by giving me a clear setting and maybe more about what's going on before jumping into context-less dialogue.
Also: a lot of Sci-fi readers will think that '2 hours of role-playing' is a very short session of Dungeons and Dragons.
The psychological assessment opening may prove to be good but is more likely a set-up for a slow-paced start.
Is there another place in the story you could just as easily start?
Keep at it.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited January 24, 2005).]
But that is the point of setting the scene. We don't know where she is, why she is there, or what the point of the roleplay/psyche tests is.
Per usual, I'm not thrilled with the character's first person running narrative thing, but I can usually tolerate it.
I like your little hook of implying that--in the sober judgement of her mental health professional--ending up in prison for murder is a possible alternative to this role-playing session. Of course, you'll have to juggle justifying that assertion and Gerald's current lack of serious concern over it. Maybe you're having Sarah be an unreliable narrator who just doesn't notice things like that, but that isn't generally a good idea in a running narrative like this.
For example, “This psychological evaluation wasn’t going well” does nothing but beg the question of WHY it’s not going well.
Perhaps something like this would be better: “My psychological evaluation said I was a sociopath with an inadequate personality.”
In that same vein, “Sarah, you know this is necessary. I don’t enjoy it much either, but it has to be done” also begs the question of WHAT is being done.
Perhaps this would be better: “Sarah, you know this is necessary. I don’t enjoy drilling holes in peoples’ heads to let the evil spirits out.”
Do you see what I’m trying to get at here? It doesn’t do much for me to offer a vague hint that something strange is going on. It’s much more effective to tell me EXACTLY what’s going on, right up front.