Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Flashquake

This is topic Flashquake in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :

Like Christine, I have decided to work on something for the Flashquake contest mentioned in Markets for our writing. It is 500 words.

Edit: In my manuscript this is 13 lines in Courier New, 12pt. From looking at some of the other posts it is hard to gauge what is the right length to submit.

Could you comment on these lines, does it catch your interest? ( first draft)

quote:
An air-raid siren sounded. Weiss, Furlong and Pratt heard the aeroplane and knew it was a Jerry.
'Brace yourselves boys.' said Weiss, settling deeper into his club chair.
There was a rumble; the chandelier tinkled and plaster-dust drifted from the ceiling. 'That was a big'un.' said Furlong, holding one hand over his cognac.
'We're getting a right pasting tonight.' said Pratt
Weiss wrestled out of his chair, brushed-off his lapels, and turned out the light. He went to the window and threw open the blackout curtains. In the distance, searchlights pierced a red sky over the London Docks. 'Glad I'm not in the East End.' he said.

[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited January 27, 2005).]

Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :

Looks great to me.

The only thing I might nit-pick about is:

quote:
There was a rumble; the chandelier tinkled and plaster-dust drifted from the ceiling.

It just wouldn't be all that difficult to form a sentence with an active, rather than a passive, verb. "A low rumble set the chandelier to tinkling..."

Posted by Shi Magadan (Member # 2260) on :

I'm not so sure that:

"There was a rumble; the chandelier tinkled and plaster-dust drifted from the ceiling."

is passive. The chandelier is the subject, and tinkle is the verb, the chandelier is doing the tinklin'. Sounds active to me, but I'm no expert.

[This message has been edited by Shi Magadan (edited January 28, 2005).]

Posted by HSO (Member # 2056) on :

It's a conjunctive phrase with a semicolon functioning as the conjunction. Each part could be its own sentence, so therefore, the first half is passive-ish, the second half isn't.

I agree w/ Dakota that "There was a rumble" could stand to be rewritten more active. What rumbled? The house? The whole earth? Whatever it is, don't be shy about telling us.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

The fragment doesn't interest me yet. I think it's that they're just spectators, not capable of taking action, AFAIK so far. I also wonder: who are they? REtirees? Gentlemen at the club? Soldiers off duty? This may help me get a sense of how they can take action.

Posted by Rahl22 (Member # 1411) on :

It works. Especially as Flash. I'd keep reading.

Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :

Personally, I couldn't care less how that sentence about the rumble and the chandelier is worded. Yes, you *could* have worded it a hundred ways, each correct, but you did it your way and your way is fine. It flows. It's in your voice.

Unfortunately, I have not found a conncetion to this story yet. It's not bad, it's just that for 25% into a story I would expect to have some clearer understanding of where it's going.

Here's what I do know (or think I know): We're in Lodnon in World War II during one of the air raids. Three men are in a nice house drinking alcohol but not otherwise involved in the proceedings.

That said, I would be willing to take a look at the whole thing either right away or after you've done another draft (if you choose to do so). I like WWII stories.

[This message has been edited by Christine (edited January 28, 2005).]

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

<wondering how obsessive to get about this>

"There was" is not passive, per se. It's certainly not one of the best ways to describe things, and writers should consider putting it on their "search and rewrite" lists (along with "ly" and so on).

"There was" is static (the other opposite for active in writing), and, as Dakota said, writers can find more active ways of saying the same thing.

Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :

Ah! Static! That's the word!

Thanks Kathleen!

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

POV?