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This is how the universe works.
Not too long ago, Sean Carpenter had an experience that changed not only his own life, but the lives of every single person in our little corner of the multiverse. It all unfolded in a very unlikely place – a nightclub in the sultry black streets of Hollywood.
There’s strobe lights and green laser beams and the acrid smell of sweat mingled with the tangy smell of alcohol. There’s hair flying and bodies moving in the flickering darkness of the strobes. A young man in an outfit the color of tinfoil is doing the robot. He doesn’t draw much attention. Deep bass pounds the floor. It seems like a typical Saturday night.
Sean was the young man in the tinfoil colored outfit. He could always do a pretty good robot, or so he was told, and he was doing it with every ounce of his energy on this serendipitous Saturday night in Hollywood.
I noticed the repetition too...I liked Rocklover's idea of expanding a bit on each round rather than simply repeating things. And some of the things you say aren't really very descriptive. I had no idea what you meant by "sultry black streets" and could think of a lot of different meanings for "an outfit the color of tinfoil" (the differences were subtle, but important). The initial image I got from "hair flying and bodies moving" is almost certainly not what you intended. On the other hand, I very much liked "Deep bass pounds the floor."
Overall, I think I'd read if I were less busy. How can I be so busy? I must be getting old or something.
quote:This made me giggle. Thanks. I'll do something about that.
The initial image I got from "hair flying and bodies moving" is almost certainly not what you intended
And yeah, the "there's" is still there from a previous edit. Originally, the whole story had a kind of "being-told-over-a-drink-at-a-bar" style. It changed drastically, but a few of those remnants are still there.
Thanks for the comments.
This turns into sf/fantasy, by the way. Just in case that effects anybody's urge to critique the whole thing.
edit: I can edit now!
[This message has been edited by theokaluza (edited January 30, 2005).]
quote:
Sorry to post twice in a row, but there doesn't seem to be a way to edit.
Above your post, next to the date, there are three tiny icons. Choose the one with the paper and pencil, far right, to edit your posts.
* I like that you've already given me a big promise, told me why I should care. Although the voice is quirky enough that might be enough to draw me in too
* I don't see Hollywood streets as sultry, since I think you need dark clouds for this
*>There’s strobe lights and green laser
You switched from past tense to present and then back to past.
*It might be more fun if the dancer DOES draw attention, or if it's NOT a typical Saturday night. If it has to be typical, you could show how outlandish it is, and then say that's typical.
* He's dancing alone, I think. I'm not from California, but where I live, that's unusual and merits explanation.