Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Different Segment of the same scene

This is topic Different Segment of the same scene in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=000716

Posted by in_defiance22 (Member # 2344) on :

Here is a different segment of the same scene. I Think that it is mostly L3P cinematice perspective, but maybe someone could help. POV I've studied alot, but boy is it nearly the hardest part of writing for me. Also I've posted a little more than thirteen becasue I think I should probably edit this whole segment down till it fits into thirteen lines, thus I've provided the whole thing.(in other words, feel free to slice and dice to hearts content, this is one forum setting when im asking for it where im obviously open to criticism)

Moving with swift assurance it strode towards the only structure visible, a low lying cottage with the flicker of candle light glowing through it’s few windows. It did not deviate from its course, but with a burst of unnatural speed it came to the door of the cottage. The shadows that lay beneath the entryway, which played naturally on such a night, coalesced as the figure drew near. When it paused they grew darker, bolder.

The figure raised one of its arms and the darkness around it responded. A shadow extended itself from that nebulous mass and writhed itself into the lock of the door. The figure gestured again; a quick wrenching motion, and the lock was torn free. The sound that should have followed such a destructive act was strangely absent, as if the deadened calm that accompanied the dark figure made it impossible for sound to escape.

With the lock broke the figure casually opened the door and entered. The flame from the candles that hung on the walls flickered and twitched as the shadow surrounding the creature danced with the light in the room. The walls of the room seemed to shudder as the creature’s cold gaze swept across it, searching. The creature closed its eyes. It inhaled slowly and its chest began to swell. Its body became barely visible as though it were surrounded by a storm of black sand. Indeed at times it appeared that the creature was turning from a solid substance into that of darkness, only to then return back into solidity a moment later.

Anyone willing to read the whole thing just ask

[This message has been edited by in_defiance22 (edited February 01, 2005).]

Posted by Keeley (Member # 2088) on :

Cinematic can be used to good effect. Depends on the context.

I'll take a look.

Posted by Daniel Thurot on :

I'd like to see the whole thing as well. Send it my way.