Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Brother's Keeper

This is topic Brother's Keeper in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

1020 words. Horror. Anyone game?

quote:

"Where's Jeffy?" Billy Bob said.
Todd Gruff pulled out the fence staples he'd been holding in his mouth. "I been busy," Todd said. He didn't know why he had to be responsible for everything. He still had about half a mile of fence to go.
"You was supposed to be keeping watch on him."
"Jeffy's your brother, too."
Billy Bob said, "You wouldn't talk to Pa like that."
"You ain't Pa," Todd said.
#
Jeffy was having a wonderful time exploring the mountain past the north forty. Ma would whip him good if she saw the risks he was taking, climbing up rocks.

[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited February 11, 2005).]

Posted by Robyn_Hood (Member # 2083) on :

I don't have time right now, but this sounds cute, in a dangerous sort of way.

Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :

I'm a sucker for a Gruff story. Send it over.

Posted by Corpsegrinder (Member # 2251) on :

Send it over.

Posted by AeroB1033 (Member # 1956) on :

Why the POV shift so early? Obviously I haven't read the story, so I have no idea how necessary it is to have multiple POVs (though it does seem rather odd in so short a story), but either way, it really did distance me to have a mere seven lines in one POV before switching to another. It helps that I know exactly whose head I'm jumping into, but still. Hooking the reader with the first POV is hard enough; switching after a few scant lines makes it that much worse.

Anyway, aside from that problem, I really have no critiques, and I do like the piece.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I want Todd's POV for most of the story, but he isn't present in one scene. I could have done

Jeffy POV
Todd POV

but since I"m ending with Todd I thought I should do

Todd POV
JEffy POV
Todd POV.

I"m not entirely sure myself.

Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :

I'll take a look. I feel like I need to see more to give you an opinion on this opening anyway.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I would like 2 more critiques than I have so far. Thanks --

Posted by Robyn_Hood (Member # 2083) on :

I have some time now, send it over if you like.