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Misha had chosen a point of entry into the forbidden territory where he knew he had a straight shot at the flower. The tracer reading happened to coincide with the crumbling stone wall, thus giving him a visual cue for the otherwise invisible border.
It was a simple plan, even for a twelve year old boy. Get in, snap the capsule shut around the flower -- thus severing it from the stem -- and get the hell out. Misha knew it wasn’t a particularly great plan, but he decided minimalism is a virtue and went with it. Besides, he had neither the time nor the resources for anything that might actually work.
His sister was dying; he had to act now.
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I'll go at it. Send away, please. I'm interested to see where it goes.
What's wrong with:
"Miska had a straight shot at the flower. The tracer stayed on the crumbling stone wall, giving him a visual cue for the border.
It was a simple plan, even for a twelve year old. Get in, snap the capsule shut around the flower and get the hell out. Misha knew it wasn’t a particularly great plan, but it had a minimalist virtue. Besides, he had neither the time nor the resources for anything that might actually work."
I don't quite like "even for a twelve year old," because if he were thinking this, he wouldn't disparage his own age. It's a nice beginning. As you can imagine, I like terse.
As for what's wrong with "Miska had a straight shot...", it leaves out some crucial information. Like the fact that there is a forbidden territory rather than just a crumbling stone wall and a flower. Or the fact that Miska is pretty young.
Anyway, I recall looking forward the this version, so I'll cut any further comments and just offer to read it.