YA fantasy, about 2600 words. I'm looking for readers for the whole thing but also welcome comments on the first 13. Thanks!
The stonecutter's daughter moved around the stoneyard, picking up small chips of stone. Later, she'd scatter them on the path that lead up to the stoneyard. The miller's wife and the weaver were walking around the yard, looking at ornamented stones. The miller was building a new house, and now his wife visited the stoneyard often.
"She's not right, everyone knows that," the miller's wife said. Kylie couldn't help overhearing; the miller's wife didn't even try to keep her voice down.
"It's the way she stares at you," the weaver said, and glared at Kylie. The stonecutter's daughter lowered her eyes, picked up the basket of stone chips, and moved away. But she could still hear the women talking; their voices were harsh and carried well.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Are Kylie and the stonecutter's daughter supposed to be the same character, or are they two different characters? If not, then you have a bit of a problem.
If they are different characters, then it might work better to establish Kylie as the POV character first then have her observe the stonecutter's daughter in a [subject][verb][object] structure so that we're sure they are distinct.
Can I just note, picking up small chips of stone and scattering them directly on a footpath without first milling them into gravel strikes me as a superlatively bad idea. I don't know if this was something that people actually used to do, but I really hope not. Also, "ornamented stones" seems to imply stones with ornaments rather than stones that are ornaments.
Anyway, try doing something about that ambiguity, it's a big distraction.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I'm not hooked yet. Having people think a girl in a fantasy is "not right" is commonplace. What's the reason for the story? THat might make a good hook.
I'm a little hard to please on fantasy; maybe others will find this a sufficient hook.
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
Yes, Kylie and the stonecutter's daughter are the same person. I was afraid that was unclear but it is hard to tell in your own stuff. Thanks.
Posted by AeroB1033 (Member # 1956) on :
Yeah, you may want to establish Kylie as her only tag and tell us she's a stonecutter's daughter through exposition... it would make this much easier to read.
Posted by GZ (Member # 1374) on :
I'll read if you like. I'm not strongly hooked by the intro you've posted, but am still curious as to where you are taking this.
Posted by Warbric (Member # 2178) on :
I'm interested, but not hooked, by this opening.
Send me a copy and I'll give it a read. I'd like to find out where you're going with it.
Posted by Jaina (Member # 2387) on :
The first thing that crossed my mind was Belle in Disney's "Beauty and the Beast." You know, the whole bit with the townspeople in the beginning where she sings about how she wants more than "this provencial life" while the rest of the town sings about how "that girl is strange, no question."
I was also confused by the distinction between Kylie and the stonecutter's daughter.
However, I am interested to see why she stares at people, and what's so wrong with her.
In other words, this isn't a terribly strong intorduction, but it's got its strong points. I'd be willing to read the rest, if you'd like.
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
thanks for volunteering! I promise to write a stronger opening and clear up all the identification issues.
Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :
If you still need readers, feel free to send it along.
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
thanks, christine, but I think I've got enough for now. I've got a lot of work to do on this, and there will certainly be more versions in the future - I hope you have some time to read the next version!
Posted by Tess (Member # 2199) on :
I'll volunteer for the next round, in advance.
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :