She paused as she removed her jacket. For a moment, she thought she heard voices coming from the living room. When she heard nothing, she put her jacket on a chair and made herself a couple of english muffin pizzas. After placing the pizza muffins in the toaster and setting an alarm, she checked her messages.
"This is Bob from Vinyl Warehouse and I'd like to offer you a deal." She blocked out the rest. In the living room she opened the desk drawer and took out the heavy, dark chestnut box. The machine beeped several times from the kitchen after Bob had finished his pitch. As she held the box to her chest, slowly crossing the room, she heard whispering from inside. She rolled her eyes and laughed to herself.
Reaching the couch, she sat down and placed the box carefully on the coffee table. She was tired from a long day of work and it always
quote:
She paused as she removed her jacket. For a moment, she thought she heard voices coming from the living room. When she heard nothing, she put her jacket on a chair and made herself a couple of english muffin pizzas. After placing the pizza muffins in the toaster and setting an alarm, she checked her messages.
"This is Bob from Vinyl Warehouse and I'd like to offer you a deal." She blocked out the rest. In the living room she opened the desk drawer and took out the heavy, dark chestnut box. The machine beeped several times from the kitchen after Bob had finished his pitch. As she held the box to her chest, slowly crossing the room, she heard whispering from inside. She rolled her eyes and laughed to herself.
Reaching the couch, she sat down and placed the box carefully on the coffee table. She was tired from a long day of work and it always
I like the image of the whispering coming from inside the box. You suggested a lot in that one sentence. There's something inside that is sentient. It's small, and the fact that it is whispering is suggestive in and of itself. Is it whispering to her? Is it whispering to anotherbeing in the box? Is it the box itself that is whispering? See? You have me asking a lot of questions, and as a reader when I ask questions I want answers, and I want to read more.
To me, that's what it is all about; getting the reader to want to read on. Anything I have written that gets in the way of that has to be removed, altered or placed elsewhere in the piece.
That said, there are a several issues here that I think come between you as the writer and me as the reader:
So far you have never told me 'her' name, and thus you have had to use 'she' at least 8 times (I think ) that's a lot. I would like to know who 'she' is. Can't you tell me something? Her name at least?
Also, although you clearly have the scene fixed in your mind, you are telling me what is going on and not showing me. As a reader that gets old after a while. Let's look at some of it in more detail:
quote:
She paused as she removed her jacket. For a moment, she thought she [edit: had]heard voices coming from the living room.
quote:
When she heard nothing, she put her jacket on a chair and made herself a couple of english muffin pizzas. After placing the pizza muffins in the toaster and setting an alarm, she checked her messages.
quote:
As NAME held the box to her chest, slowly crossing the room, she heard whispering from inside. She rolled her eyes and laughed to herself.
That's a lot in just several sentences, and it's hard sometimes to keep focused on showing more than telling, but I think if you will think about these issues a bit and go back and rewrite with this in mind, that you will have something that more of us will be willing to critique. That more of us want to read.
I hope this is of some use. Please keep working on this story. I would like to find out just what is in the box!
mikemunsil
It's not bad, but it's not alive either. I felt like you were listing facts and actions, rather than involving the reader. There was nothing that drew me into her world. At this point I can't see "she," but I could go for one of those pizzas.
I think that all it would have taken to engage me was her name and one pertinent detail so I could begin to draw the picture.
Michelle
[This message has been edited by catnep (edited February 27, 2005).]
I think there was a little too much description. You could probably sum up most of that in a sentence or two and get on to the good part of the whispering box. I’m curious too so keep at it!
As Beth held the heavy, dark chestnut box to her chest, slowly crossing the room, she heard whispering from inside. She rolled her eyes and laughed to herself. A phone message continued from the kitchen as she sat down on the couch and placed the box carefully on the coffee table.
"...at Bob's Vinyl Warehouse we offer the best deals..." She blocked out the rest. She was tired from a long day of work and it always felt nice to sit down on something comfortable. For a few moments she rested, until she could no longer ignore the curious little whispers. Smiling bemusedly to herself, she opened the box, and suddenly she could hear them all.
"There you are, indeed!" she heard the fat woman's voice, "I was just telling them all that you'd be here soon."
I removed or revamped some of the stage direction type lines. I thought that this would make later things seem unclear, but I realize that it makes perfect sense later on.
I do still have a question, however. There were a couple of comments about not using the name. Should I use the name more here, after the first use? There's no one else to distinguish from and I thought it read strange to keep using her name. What do you all think?
The full story is around 2700 words and the toaster cooking and phone messages occur again later with more significance...
Again, thank you for the criticisms.
[This message has been edited by 77chevy (edited February 27, 2005).]
I like this version more than the first version. good work. but I would whack the word "bemusedly."
[This message has been edited by Beth (edited February 27, 2005).]
quote:
After placing the pizza muffins in the toaster, Beth went to the living room, opened the desk drawer, and took out the heavy, dark chestnut box. As she held the box to her chest, slowly crossing the room, she heard whispering from inside. She rolled her eyes and laughed to herself. She placed the box carefully on the coffee table.It always felt nice to sit down on something comfortable, especially when she was tired from a long day of work. For a few moments. . . .
One thing that really bothered me, that is still included in the above version, is "rolled her eyes and laughed to herself." To me, eye-rolling indicates "Yeah, right," or "Ay, caramba!" Nothing that made me roll my eyes would EVER make me laugh.
Ditto Beth on "bemusedly."
As far as the use of "she" goes: 1) you definitely want to give us a name right away, and 2) MOST of the rest of the time, when it's not ambiguous, you'll use "she." The problem with repetition comes not so much from repeating the word "she" as repeating sentences where "she" is the subject. You've taken care of this to a certain extent by varying your sentence structure. But "she" (or, now, "Beth") is still the subject of practically every sentence and dependent clause. The box itself, the whispering voices, and possibly even the couch could all be made subjects, with the action of the sentence being the way they affect "her" (a nice change from "she").
[Edit]Don't let the above paragraph trick you into switching any sentences into passive voice. That's not what I meant.[/Edit]
I'll read the whole thing. Make sure to include "Hatrack" in the subject line.
[This message has been edited by rickfisher (edited February 28, 2005).]