Fantasy, 5500 words. (If this sounds familiar, it's because I posted an excerpt last fall needing a kick in the pants.) I'd welcome comments on this segment or the whole shebang.
---
Li Reiko hid from her children, blending into the shadows of the courtyard with more urgency than she felt in combat. To do less would insult them.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Nawi spun away from the tree and sprinted past her hiding place. Aya turned more slowly and studied the courtyard. Reiko smiled as her daughter sniffed the air, looking for tracks. Her son crashed through the bushes, kicking leaves with each footstep.
She stifled the urge to shake her head at Nawi's appalling technique, as another branch cracked under his foot. She would have to speak with his tutor to find out what the woman was teaching him. He might be a boy, but that was no reason to neglect his education.
[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited March 06, 2005).]
Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :
I think I remember this. But I don't think I read it last time. I'd be willing this time, if you want me.
Posted by Jeraliey (Member # 2147) on :
I'm up for it!
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
I think she hadn't finished it last time. It seems to still have some of the difficulties previously mentioned, but I wanted to read it then and still do.
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
I'll read.
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
Rats. I thought I fixed those. I'll send it over and see what you guys think of the whole. This is still in the early draft phase, but be as brutal as you like. I'm trying to polish it for a market I found that has a March 21st deadline.
I posted it in Markets for our Writing if anyone is curious. It looks like fun.
[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited March 06, 2005).]
Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :
Please send.
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
On its way. Thanks!
Posted by GZ (Member # 1374) on :
I'll read, if you still need another set of eyes.
Posted by ScottMiller (Member # 2410) on :
This is probably heinously anal-retentive of me, and I hesitate to post it, but it looks like you're using mostly Japanese nomenclature (Reiko, Aya). "Li" is a Chinese family name.
If you'd like some different Japanese name ideas, www.20000names.com isn't too bad if you can stand all the ads.
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
Thank you ScottMiller for noticing that. It is in fact a blend of Japanese and Chinese names. It's not heinously anal-rententive of you at all, and if I had done it by accident I would be singing your praises for catching it. As it is I will sing your praises any way. Thank you!
Posted by RFLong (Member # 1923) on :
HI
if you're still in need of readers, please feel free to send it over!
R
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
Well, Survivor, GZ and Dakota just whipped my hiney with their crit. I'm in the middle of a rewrite and told my other readers to wait for the new draft. It's longer and has a different beginning, middle and end. I will definitely send you the new draft when it finishes crawling out of my brain.
Posted by RavenStarr (Member # 2327) on :
I very commonly scourer my Japanese dictionary for names in a lot of my stories. I posted this before, but it's good stuff: http://www.seventhsanctum.com/index-anim.php It's good coming up with "anime names" and pretty much anything else you could ever think of. I would request you send me your story, but I'm in writing process right now, and can't allow myself to read anybody else's work (which is torturing me now that "Shadow of the Giant" is out).
Thank you!