The rain didn’t start ‘til 9 that night, but the trouble had started at 6. Emily writhed on her sleeping bag, hands pressed to her stomach. I knew she was trying to avoid announcing her pain to the entire forest and to the enemies who could be lurking in the shadows. Watching us. Studying our movements.
I felt her forehead and tried not to let the fear reach my eyes.
“Hurts, Aunt Nicki.” Her face twisted in pain. “Won’t . . . go away.”
I pressed a canteen to her lips, but she pushed it away.
“Em, you’ve gotta drink something. Please try!” The water would cleanse her system, I reasoned. Would flush the poison—or whatever it was—away. I returned the canteen to her lips, but she shoved it away again.
I bit my lip, taking mental inventory of what she’d eaten that day: a few wild berries, perch fried over the campfire. Certainly nothing to be causing this pain, unless she’d eaten too many berries.
I don't see any big problems.
Drew
I don't see anything majorly wrong with this piece.
Welcome and hope you stay awhile.
-Bryan-
Interested in reading the whole thing? Also, I'd be happy to comment on anything you've written. Just let me know.
Drew
Drew
Don't feel obligated to read my stuff in particular - think of yourself as contributing to the community, rather than developing a relationship with me. Don't limit yourself to reading stuff by the people who have read you.
and ok, you can send it to me.
It might take me a few days to get back to you, but I'll get it back to you.
Drew
The rain didn’t start ‘til 9 that night, I THINK IT'S CONVENTIONAL TO SPELL OUT NUMBERS, AS IN, NINE
I felt her forehead and tried not to let the fear reach my eyes. THEY'RE CAMPING AND IT'S DARK, SO WOULD EM BE ABLE TO SEE HER EYES?
“Hurts, Aunt Nicki.” Her face twisted in pain. “Won’t . . . go away.” [I'D STRIKE THE DIALOG SINCE THE "TWISTED WITH PAIN" SAYS IT ALL]
I pressed a canteen to her lips, but she pushed it away.
“Em, you’ve gotta drink something. Please try!” The water would cleanse her system, I reasoned. Would flush the poison—or whatever it was—away. [AS I UNDERSTAND IT A DASH IS REPRESENTED BY -- OR --- BUT NOT - BECAUSE THEN IT ISN'T DISTINGUISHABLE FROM A HYPHEN] I returned the canteen to her lips, but she shoved it away again.
I bit my lip, taking mental inventory of what she’d eaten that day: a few wild berries, perch fried over the campfire. Certainly nothing to be causing this pain [I'D STRIKE: , unless she’d eaten too many berries. ]
But mostly, it's working: characters are clear, and the worry is also clear.
Actually, I wrote the story for a contest. I had to finish the story based on the first line, which was provided for me. I couldn't control how the first sentence was written. Normally, I write out numbers.
It's around 6 p.m. in July. It's not night yet, so Emily could see a lot of things in the tent.
Even though Emily's face is contorted in pain, dialogue always adds life to the story and provides dimensions of a character.
Yeah, I always forget about the double hyphen representing a dash. I'm used to making long dashes in Microsoft Word. Such a hard habit to break. =)
Thanks for your imput.
[This message has been edited by Drew Adams (edited March 17, 2005).]
quote:I thought it was supposed to be "9 that night"?
It's around 6 p.m. in July.
quote:
I felt her forehead and tried not to let the fear reach my eyes
It's the Aunt's POV so its what she is conscious of.
I like it as an opening. If you want to send me the full thing I'd be happy to look.
R
There is a problem with the line: "The rain didn’t start ‘til 9 that night, but the trouble had started at 6."
If you are flashing back a couple hours the rest of the story needs to follow the tense. It feels like we are moving along as the story happens but that sentence implies otherwise as does your statement that it is really six in the evening. I would just omit the sentence myself and not do a flashback. Have the story start whenever this scene is happening.