Opening 1:
On the radar display, the objects were moving closer. "They are definitely changing course," Jared said.
--
Opening 2:
It took ship-eating monsters, and saving a ship full of passengers, to make Jared a felon.
On the radar display, the objects were moving closer . . .
--
Opening 3:
Jared first met his advocate in a cold briefing room. He was eager to meet her, since there was nothing else to do in prison, but also ashamed, since security measures forbade prisoners to wear clothing. An injection they'd given him paralyzed his arms; he couldn't even put them on the table.
She gave him her introduction. He recognized the script, from video dramas. He'd never paid much attention, so he didn't know if the advocates' manual would require her to really help him.
"I now invite you to describe the events from your perspective," she concluded. "You are under no obligation to do so, but it may be in your interest. These proceedings are being recorded."
"I saved a Senator's family from explosive decompression," he told her.
#
On the radar display, the objects were moving closer . . .
[Edits for minor corrections people suggested.]
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited March 21, 2005).]
2 is -- sorry for saying this -- a bit corny. Ship-eating monsters? Can there be another way of saying this?
3 utterly neglects to name any character within a complete scene. That's why I'm adverse to that one.
On the radar display, the objects were moving closer. "They are definitely changing course," Jared, the pilot, said.
--
This one, more than the other two, feels like it starts at the beginning. On the other hand, it feels very distant. I know it's only one paragraph but even so...I think the first sentence threw me right away. The phrasing itself distances me from the story. We start with "On the radar display..." which gives a sense of setting but throws the suspense of the sentence by putting the more important aspect....the closely moving object, into the last part of the sentence. Then introducing the first character we meet in such a formal way kind of threw me too.
After reading all three options though, I would recommend going with a tweaked version of this.
--
Opening 2:
It took ship-eating monsters, and saving a ship full of passengers, to make Jared a felon.
On the radar display, the objects were moving closer . . .
--
The first sentence here is cheesy, I think. Yeah, I think that describes my feelings about it best.
--
Opening 3:
He first met his advocate in a cold briefing room. He was eager to meet her, since there was nothing else to do in prison, but also ashamed, since security measures forbade prisoners to wear clothing. An injection they'd given him paralyzed his arms; he couldn't even put them on the table.
She gave him her introduction. He recognized the script, from video dramas. He'd never paid much attention, so he didn't know if the advocates' manual would require her to really help him.
"I now invite you to describe the events from your perspective," she concluded. "You are under no obligation to do so, but it may be in your interest. These proceedings are being recorded."
"I saved a Senator's family from explosive decompression," he told her.
#
On the radar display, the objects were moving closer . . .
--
The only thing I can say about this is that the frame doesn't compel me much. It feels slightly forced. It also just feels like you're starting at the wrong time in order to provide a sense of suspense about what will ultimately happen to the main character.
Dude, could you say what those unanswered q's are in option 3?
I think I'll go with #1, but I would still like to know.
Still, I'm sticking with #1.
Also, your title, "Nachalnik," I'm curious as to why you chose this word. Is it something you made up? "Nachala" is the Russian word for "beginning," or rather, the romanization thereof. "Nachalnik" with a soft "l" is the Russian word for "beginner." Not sure if this was your intention.
[This message has been edited by Shi Magadan (edited March 21, 2005).]
Could you hold onto opening #3 and use it in chronological order, later in the story? I really like it, just not as the opening here.
Shi Magadan: all will be revealed!
I'll do a rewrite and ask for comments.
The point is that you set up a scene and then jump into the story without the reader fully understanding what was going on in the prison. I like you starting the story in the prison. I think it may be a stronger opening if done right, but in the 3rd opening you jump into Jarad's story too soon. A flashback this soon in the story is just disconcerting.
#2 by itself could be a great opener, if your story is ala Douglas Adams "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy". If it's a serious story, then yeah, a little campy. But it could work if the hero has a quirky sense of humor (ala Han Solo).
#1 - short. efficient. Not really engaging to me... but I'm hoping it would lead to the ship-eating monsters faster...