).Tim knocked on his parents’ bedroom door. "Come on in Timmy," his Dad called from the room. Tim opened the door and peeked inside. His parents were lying on the bed, enjoying a nice afternoon rest. His dad was reading the newspaper, and his mom was reading a boring book.
"Dad, there's a man outside who wants to talk to you."
His dad, Paul, became a little alarmed, because he had no idea someone was at the door, and didn't like the idea of his six-year-old son answering the door to a complete stranger. "Did he say his name, and what he wants?" He started to get out of bed.
"Timmy, you know you aren't allowed to open the door to complete strangers," his mother, Jane, said sternly. Jane was also getting out of bed, and she was just as alarmed as Paul.
Tim almost completely closed the door, except for a crack from his mom's voice. "He said his name was "The End of the World", no Mister, and that was his business."
EDIT
If you'd like to read more I can send you a copy. It reaches 1300 words. I've looked into making it longer, but doing so at the moment would only be for making it longer. I'll just need to look over it a few more times.
[This message has been edited by Mr_Megalomaniac (edited April 05, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Mr_Megalomaniac (edited April 06, 2005).]
Second, I had a huge hangup with the kid's name. Timmy? Like Lassie Come Home's Timmy? I couldn't even come close to taking it seriously, not even if the story is roaring comedy.
Question, who's your audience going to be? What age group?
Okay. You've got an interesting idea. Now, the Point of View (POV) character is Tim, correct? Would he really think of his Mom and Dad by their first names? Probably not.
So, for this story, consider sticking with Mom and Dad... and skipping the Jane and Paul names. At least until you switch POV to one of them -- if you do.
Good luck.
quote:doesn't seem to fit with a six-year old. Same goes for his mom's alarm a little way down.
His dad, Paul, became a little alarmed, because he had no idea someone was at the door, and didn't like the idea of his six-year-old son answering the door to a complete stranger.
Although this bit:
quote:was perfect for a six-year-old!
his mom was reading a boring book.
What door? The house door with the man at it, or the bedroom door?
"except for a crack from his mom's voice."
This helped me think that the door might be the bedroom door, but that's just confusing the dialogue tag now... who's speaking the next line, Timmy or his mom? I'm assuming it's supposed to be Timmy, but then what about "his mom's voice"? Does his mom's voice actually say anything or... what?
"He said his name was "The End of the World", no Mister, and that was his business."
Ok... I'll admit... over here in Michigan, the term "Mister" isn't common to the meaning that you're using, so that did confuse me at first, but I figured it out... but the thing is about this line all together is that it sound really "Leave It to Beaver" to me. I don't know where you're from, but do 6 year olds, or... anyone really talk like that? I can understand the run-on sentence, that's not too odd for a six year old... although you might want to make sure you avoid doing it too much... remember, he's 6, not 4... a 6 year old is in first grade, and their speech patterns usually reflect this... and there's more I'd like to say about that line, but the line's just throwing me too much to really be able to get into it...
About the name "Timmy", I really don't mind that, Timothy is still a significantly common name, and hence the nickname Timmy or Tim is equally common... although the "Leave It to Beaver" sounding line really doesn't help his case against the Lassie complex...
Don't really worry too much about the audience until after you got the story out of your head... all the fringe thinking just gets in the way of the thought process that you need for the story. By the end of it all, who knows, you could end up with "Ender's Game" which is loved as equally by kids as it is by adults (and that's double your income ).
And about HSO's comment, I agree about the names and stuff, that made the POV momentarily swivel for me... if you need to switch POV's right after this scene, then do it... or if you want to maybe start from the dad's POV instead, you could easily do that too...
Also, I have problems writing anything that has to do with children, because I don't have almost any contact with kids, and I don't remember almost anything from my own childhood.
Maybe this little revision will help:
"Timmy, you know you aren't allowed to open the door to complete strangers," his mother said sternly. Hearing his mom, Tim closed the door, except for a crack.
Tim's voice shook a little when he spoke,"He said his name was Mr. The End of the World, I mean just The End of the World, and that was his business."
Tim's voice shook a little when he spoke, "He said his name was Mr. The End of the World—I mean just The End of the World, and that was his business."
* Some punctuation problems; see Strunk & White
* Ditto what people said about POV -- pick one. If it's Timmy, "that was his business" is an unlikely turn of phrase.
* Maybe the POV should be Mom or Dad. Timmy doesn't seem the least bit alarmed about End of the World, and at his age, he may not know what it means. (BTW, let us know as soon as it's relevant that Timmy's quite small -- when you said he was 6 this surprised me, because I already had him pictured).
* THANK YOU for staying in the moment and showing us what happened -- showing not telling!
* Great hook!
At least thats how I first saw it. Thats the beauty of it all to me.
I've not had chance to read all the other comments yet, so their maybe some duplication here.
Overall I liked the idea & would like to read it all. To the meaty stuff though.....
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Tim knocked on his parents’ bedroom door. "Come on in Timmy," his Dad called from the room. Tim opened the door and peeked inside. His parents were lying on the bed, enjoying a nice afternoon rest. His dad was reading the newspaper, and his mom was reading a boring book.
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Righto. Well, if we're seeing this from 6 yr old Timmy's eyes, I would try and emphasise this a bit more (im not very good at this myself though in the stuff i've done so far).
For example...
Timmy knocked on Mum and Dad's bedroom door. He heard Dad say 'come in Timmy' and then opened the door and peeked inside.
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"Dad, there's a man outside who wants to talk to you."
His dad, Paul, became a little alarmed, because he had no idea someone was at the door, and didn't like the idea of his six-year-old son answering the door to a complete stranger. "Did he say his name, and what he wants?" He started to get out of bed.
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Same as before really. I dont think you need to tell us that his Dad's name is Paul. Timmy just thinks of his as Dad. To keep the point of view in Timmy's perspective you should probably say something like "Timmy could tell that his Dad was annoyed that he had opened the door to a stranger"
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"Timmy, you know you aren't allowed to open the door to complete strangers," his mother, Jane, said sternly. Jane was also getting out of bed, and she was just as alarmed as Paul.
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Here's one for you - How would Timmy know whether the person at the door was a stranger without opening the door in the first place. Maybe him mum should just tell him not to open the door to anyone-- period.
Also, you dont need to tell us his mum was alarmed. We can tell, you did a good job of letting us feel that.
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Tim almost completely closed the door, except for a crack from his mom's voice. "He said his name was "The End of the World", no Mister, and that was his business."
---
I'm not sure here which door we're talking about. Also, 'almost completely closed the door' sounds a bit wordy. Maybe "Tim left the door slightly ajar" would work better.
The bit about 'no Mister, and that was his business' confuses me. I'm not sure what this means.
Hope this helps mate.
See you,.
"He said his name was Mr. The End of the World, I mean just The End of the World, and he said that was his business."
Does it help to make it more clear that that's what the man told Timmy, so that you know he didn't figure it out on his own?
"I'm probably going to be shouted at but I dont think Timmy, as a child of 6 would fully understand what End of the World really means, I'd rather think that when he says his last line, that he'd sound bemused more than scared."
In the story, I felt it important that Timmy understand a little that something bad was happening, but not so scared that his parents would feel the need to do much, because after he tells them, they don't believe him.
I've never really thought much about POV, and I'm glad that I've learned something that I am going to need to put some work into. Looking back, I think the POV I was going for was from the room. Because in the story, there are some things that Tim doesn't understand and some things that his parents didn't understand, but both needed to be narrated.
When I have the time, I'll go back through the story to make sure everything is as clear as I can make it, since I'm sure if there was onfusion about things from the first 13 lines, there's bound to be more.