Amanda stood and contemplated the circular patch of grass. It was ten feet in diameter and everything that came within a few feet of it had died. In the center was a large dome shaped structure made of mud and sticks. Amanda took a couple steps toward it, but was snatched from behind.
“What’re you doing?” Jake asked as he held his daughter in his arms.
“Getting a closer look.”
“Mandy, if you had gotten any closer to it I would have lost you.” He pointed down to the ground not even a foot in front of them. Littered within a few feet of the circle were dozens and dozens of dead flies and wasps. When she understood, he said, “Promise me you’ll never let your curiosity get the best of you. Any circle of grass you see like this is home to a Merodian spider. Leave them be, or we will all regret it.”
“Yes, father,” she complied. She watched her father walk back to the house and planned her future excursion into the spider’s lair.

-ck
 

I'm not really hooked yet. There's a spider that kills everything within a ten-foot radius, and we've got a girl (how old?) who's going to do the typically stupid thing and go into the spider's lair. Sounds like it might be cool, but I don't think that I'd keep reading from this.

One last thing: why doesn't the spider eat the dead bugs that are all over the place? You don't have to tell us in the intro, but eventually we might want to know.
 

I agree with Jaina about the girl going to go "do the stupid thing." It's a bit predictable and a little clichéd.

On the other hand, I would keep reading from this. (If this is a horror story of sorts, I can understand why Jaina might not.) Right now, however, I'm afraid I can't critique your whole story because I'm busy with school right now. I will offer more suggestions on these first lines if you need it.
 

Thanks for the POV input Jaina. That needs to be changed; it is from Amanda's POV, and only one person I've ever known has referred to his parents by their first name.
 

I think Dude has expressed a problem the rest of us were too lazy to clarify. There is something screwy going on with these characters.
 

And I'm going to attempt to answer Keeley's question for you, mostly to see if I'm following the story correctly (if I'm wrong, then you might need to change something):

"When I read this fragment, I wondered why the father was willing to let such a dangerous creature live."

I'm guessing that he wouldn't kill it because if something were able to kill on the scale as large as is being suggested, there really wouldn't be any safe means for her father to kill the spider without being killed himself…
 

Good luck with your story, though!

Jaya
 

And along the lines of what Edythe said, I was kinda assuming that she was a child... young enough that maybe if she might of actually known something of the spider, then she might not have the basic common sense to let her fear of it overwhelm her curiosity of it, to where her father would need to emphasize it's danger by re-telling it to her (being a parent has given me a constant insight to that concept).
 

""When I read this fragment, I wondered why the father was willing to let such a dangerous creature live."

I'm guessing that he wouldn't kill it because if something were able to kill on the scale as large as is being suggested, there really wouldn't be any safe means for her father to kill the spider without being killed himself… "

Ask and ye shall receive. That's exactly what I had in mind, Raven. And if the community tried to band up and kill the spider, it would prevail. There are also multiple spiders, as the story will acknowledge once I finish it. Not really normal spiders are these..

Thanks all for the insight; I do have some work to do on it still.
 

Every single time he manages to break through it again, and yesterday was the turning point. He got out and I didn't notice for about 20 minutes. Then I hear inside my house what sounds like a calf being killed by wolves, then I look out my window and see my rottweiler off in the distance being chased off by two stray dogs. So out of curiosity I go out and pick up a stick on the way -- I'm not having someone's cow die on my property.

As I'm running out there, I look at my blue heeler's pen and I see he's not in there. I then run in a full sprint out to the tank, and it's not a calf dying, but six stray dogs attacking my blue heeler pup. I kick a few off and one is still biting my pup, so I hit it with a stick and get them all away. And today my pup is literally immobile; one of the dogs broke his leg I think.

If I would have known it was my pup I would have gotten a rifle and shot the dogs. But at least now my heeler pup won't be getting out for a while.
 

A potentially interesting slant might be if the father permits the spider to live near his home because it serves an essential ecological function, protects his crops or home, is protected by law, or is actually harvested itself for something (an enzyme, silk, etc.).

 

I live in a place where we deal with fire ants (known to blind cattle), killer bees, brown recluse spiders, rattlesnakes, etc. If you don't make the merodian spiders aggressive, then I could see humans possibly allowing them to live, but the people I know around here fight all the animals/insects I listed above with everything they have if they come near a human house especially one with children. And all of those creatures leave you alone unless you become a threat in some way.

Humans are the most aggressive species on this planet and I have a hard time believing that aggression wouldn't be turned on the merodian spiders if they were perceived as a threat to human existence.

Unless, as has been suggested, you bring them into the ecology. That I would believe because it would suggest balance in the world you've created.

Just my opinion. I'll shut up now.
 

I think you pretty much answered your own question: "And all of those creatures leave you alone unless you become a threat in some way."
 

This incredibly dangerous spider is right next to his house and his daughter almost goes into its nest. Since it is near his house, it is a threat whether it's aggressive or not. Every father I've known would rather die trying to kill the beastie, aggressive or not, than let their daughter get killed by it.
 

2. Would he risk his life to kill something that will most definitely kill him knowing that there's a high chance that he might not be able to kill it before it kills him…?

3. You're also somewhat expressing one of my issues of why I don't like the 13 line restriction... people here tend to try criticizing an entire story from only 13 lines, and they don't seem to understand that really can't work like that. Do you really know what goes on passed the 13 lines? Everything you're assuming in your line of questioning as far as you know could be completely clarified passed the 13 lines.
Now, I really don't have a problem with the 13 line restriction if people simply put a lot more effort into remember that 13 lines is just the opening, it's far from being the whole story. (I don't mean that to come out sounding like ranting, but it's been bugging me for a while).
 

quote:

---

She watched her father walk back to the house and planned her future excursion into the spider’s lair

---

Maybe I misread it, but to me that implies the house is within sight and I interpreted it to mean that the nest was near the house.

As for #2, that's why I mentioned getting the community involved in an earlier post.

And lastly, #3. I have no desire to read further because between the stupidity of the daughter and the description of a creature that was impossibly dangerous, yet allowed to live near a family's house, I didn't get hooked in the first 13 lines. I applaud your patience (no sarcasm... I mean it).

I know the first thirteen are only the opening and I thought I was treating them as such. If anyone here thought otherwise, I'm sorry. I should have been more clear in my critique.

I, also, was not trying to critique the entire story. You're right that it could be clarified beyond those first thirteen, but there's nothing in what he's posted that makes me want to read further and that's what I was trying to focus on.

And now, if I say anything further, I know this will degenerate, so I really and truly will shut up now.

[edited to take out a condescending comment and clean up a sentence.]

[This message has been edited by Keeley (edited April 13, 2005).]
 

"I didn't get hooked in the first 13 lines."

Yea... that's a line I hear around here so often, and that really bugs me. Honestly... I can't think of any story I've ever read in my entire life, other than maybe "Alice's Adventure's in Wonderland", that had me "hooked" in 13 lines... Ender's Game sure didn't... pretty much the entire first chapter of "Xenocide" actually bored the crap out of me. So... yea... to avoid going on another rant... that's basically my point right there...
 

[This message has been edited by Beth (edited April 13, 2005).]
 

For a reader like myself, it isn't a matter of being hooked, but of not being turned off by anything. Good writing sends up some signals suggesting that this author really knows both how to write and how to tell a story, but the real difference is that bad writing sends up all kinds of flags telling me that I'm not going to enjoy the rest of the story much.

I won't tell you how often a writer has "fixed" the opening, and I've read the rest of the story only to discover that the opening was the only thing that got fixed (though you can probably guess how often this has happened by my reputation). I'm honestly okay with that, my purpose is to help the writing get better, I'm not here to get free stories in my inbox (though I don't mind that aspect when it happens).

But I do like to see signs that the writer has the ability to integrate comments to improve the opening at least before I sign on to help with the rest. Because if the author of a story is unable or unwilling to make use of criticism, it's just unnecessary pain for all concerned if I give my feedback.

Also, and this can't be stressed enough, slush-piles are enormous. Editors and their assistants carve through them, usually only looking at the first page before tossing a story and going on to the next. We didn't create that system...except in the sense that every novice writer does by increasing the size and slushiness of the slush-piles that editors must digest in the process of looking for a few outstanding new writers to feature in a publication. We're just doing our best to help each other get past that obstacle.
 

So, here goes.

It's about the toy in the circle. Yeah, I think that it's perhaps not cliche, but trite, too easy a solution to the problem of getting the girl near the circle. I actually like the idea that it's merely her curiosity that takes her there. Especially since she is intelligent and cognisent (sp? Kids stole my dictionary again) enough to decide to risk the danger that her father has just warned her against and return to explore it.

Kids are very curious. Not really stupid. Their minds thirst for knowledge, but they lack the experience to be able to approach the gaining of knowledge with the wisdom that will keep them from getting hurt or killed.

Like my own daughter who thought it might be fun to find out if she could stand on a soccer ball. She found out, the hard way, that a person can get hurt doing things like that. A half-body cast for five weeks. UGH! If I had ever thought to tell her that she shouldn't stand on soccer balls (by the way, add that to your list, fellow parents), the accident probably never would have happened. She at least would have been more cautious.

Also, about your dog--poor thing. I had a border collie. Like healers they're too smart for their own good. Once he's learned how to get out of his run it'll be nearly impossible for you to keep him in--once the leg is healed anyway. The more you do to prevent him escaping, the more brain power he'll use to come up with ever more inventive escape methods. The only thing that worked with my border was a shock wire. One zap was all it took. For a while. He eventually found another place to hop the fence, so more shock wire. But Houdini or not, he was the best dog I ever had. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that if you nip it in the bud hard and fast while he's young you're more likely to prevent (or at least slow) the escalation of his Houdini-ism.
 

Telling your kid not to stand on soccer balls doesn't work unless you're willing to let them try it and get hurt while they're too small to put themselves in a body cast. I go a bit further, myself. When my various little relatives are figuring out mobility, I make sure they get some practical experience with hostile action "accidents"
 

Yeah, I know. TMI.

But the idea that they're less likely to get hurt when they're little didn't work out this time. Spiral femur fractures are much easier to get when you're little.

Oh, and I bet your lttle relatives just LOVE their Uncle Survivor!