****
It’s a sunny day as I walk out of my office. Don’t get me wrong, I love sun, the warmth and the memories of summer. That is what sun has always been about.
Life has never got better than summer. Life can never get better than summer.
The sound of music in the air, cars and people all dressed down. The cool breeze through your hair your best friend, for a change. An ice cream in your hand, keeping it cool, all that’s in your mind is, “Don’t let it melt… Don’t! Mum will scream if it gets on this white t-shirt!”
And it’s always a white t-shirt. Always white when you are eating something that had the God-given gift to stain. Ah well… that was ages ago…
The sun that greeted me now was more cynical. My eyes were blunt to the world in light. I had been in my office too long. I had been in this job too long, really.
Overall, I liked the narrator's voice. I think I'd read past this selection just for the voice itself.
I also like your observation that it's always a white shirt when you're eating something that could stain.
Problems:
-You start off with a neutral statement. It was a sunny day.
Then you immediately state, "Don't get me wrong..."
That threw me because your first statement wasn't a judgment.
-I would have liked knowing the flavor of the ice cream so I could connect to its stainability.
-Since you used present tense both for the flashback and the time the story is occuring, I got very confused about when the various events you described were happening. I thought at first that paragraph two was when the story was happening until I got to the end and remembered that he'd stepped out of an office in the first sentence of the story and my confusion didn't end until I got to the end of paragraph three.
My point is that, as much as I like the narrative voice, I don't know if I want to be confused like that right now. I just don't have the brainpower at the moment.
I appear to have confused everyone I've shown it to and I think you've managed to figure out why.
Hmm... the problem is that the flashback doesnt seem to sound right in past tense either. Even though its a flashback
I havent concentrated on the ice cream though. But bear with me coz people who've read the whole thing think that talking about summer is such a sidetrack to the story.
****
It’s an over-bright sunny day as I walk out of my office. Don’t get me wrong, I love sun, the warmth and the memories of summer. That is what sun has always been about.
Life had never got better than summer. Life could never get better than summer.
The sound of music in the air, cars and people, all dressed down. The cool breeze through your hair your best friend, for a change. An ice cream in your hand, keeping it cool, and all that had to be in your mind was, “Don’t let it melt… Don’t! Mum will scream if it gets on this white t-shirt!”
And it was always a white t-shirt. Always white when you were eating something that had the God-given gift to stain. Ah well… that was ages ago…
The sun that greets me now is more cynical. My eyes are blunt to the world in light these days. I have been in my office too long. I have been in this job too long, really.
I don't think naming the kind of ice cream will detract unless it's a multi-syllabic exotic flavor. Just saying it's chocolate or strawberry should be fine.
Since you used the image of an over-bright sun in this version, I think you should tie that in to the cynical sun at the end of your excerpt. It'll help keep continuity.
That's all I have to say for now.
I think Keeley's made some excellent points, so I won't tread on her toes. But there's one sentence that's bugging me:
quote:
Life had never got better than summer.
You're from the UK, and 'got' is used colloquially there as you use it in this sentence, but it's still not proper usage--especially, IMO, for a professional, office working adult. Try:
Life had never been better than in the summer.
Still, it lacks a clear definition from the next sentence (Life could never get better than summer), therefore it seems, at first glance, as if you're just repeating the information. Qualify which summers each sentence is referring to. Maybe:
When I was a kid life had never been better than in the summer. Even as an adult I always looked forward to it.
*SHRUG* Whatever.
Yeah, I agree with djvdakota, this sounds a little funny. Perhaps if you did away with the repetitive usage of the word summer.
Maybe: July in my youth -- life had never been better, could never be better.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not telling you to write it this way. Just tossing out an idea.
Am I being too wishywashy with the way i write?
Thanks for the comments. Its helping but its taking ages for me to actually improve.