Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Messed up, But Worse.

This is topic Messed up, But Worse. in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Phanto (Member # 1619) on :

This is the start of a satrical/fantasy novel that I am considering starting. I wonder, however, if the tone I am using is captivating and strong enough to work.

As such, I would greatly appreciate both feedback on the piece below and moreso on the first 10 pages or so of the work.

quote:

Nothing is more exciting than a dramatic event taking place at night.

Well...maybe some things are a little more exciting. All right, not just some things -- many things. The point is simply that night is a pretty good place to start a story, and yes, day is too, thank you, but this one does begin at night regardless of how exciting night is or is not.
To be more specific, it begins in a little cottage, where a witch named Jasmine was plotting evil plots with her cat. Of course the evil part hardly needs stating -- what else would an Exciting story start with if not an evil plot? What, could a good story start with something as boring as a baby (maybe named "Harry") being dropped off at the doorstep of some random house? Furthermore, you should note that this is no ordinary witch; this is the Villian (drum roll, please!). Jasmine was well aware of her Villian status and was at the moment conjuring up the worst, nastiest laughs she could. The cat, Snuffles, was crouched near the fire and feeling far more genial than normal. As such, he let Jasmine indulge herself for several minutes before interrupting.
"You know," the cat said, "there is no one here besides us. You don't need to impress anyone. I already know how evil you are."

[This message has been edited by Phanto (edited April 14, 2005).]

Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :

"all right," not "alright."

Posted by Phanto (Member # 1619) on :

Thank you.

Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :

thank you for fixing that! I kind of pass out when I see "alright" and can't read on.

I kind of like this, although I am not really a big fan of that kind of narrator.

Posted by HSO (Member # 2056) on :

I like it.

I take issue with this sentence, but only mildly:

quote:
To be more specific, it begins in a little cottage, where a witch named Jasmine was plotting evil plots with her cat.

Besides "plotting" and "plots", which seems redundant on first glance, I think this sentence could be rephrased to be more exciting. Generally, "a witch named" doesn't work for me. I'd rather see -- as a reader, not a writer -- something a little less fairy tale-ish when introducing a character. Yet, I would likely skip right over it and not give it a second thought... So, in other words, it's not offensive, but could be better.

Nevertheless, I'll be happy to read the 10 pages you're offering. Please send. My crit hat is currently on and ready.

Posted by michelracineco (Member # 2485) on :

Hi there,

I like the voice, and I can feel the satire feeling in it. I believe this has potential.

The first few sentences feel heavy for me. They don't flow that well. And I think you have a good challenge to make that kind of prose smooth enough so the reader doesn't end up with a headache: it feels a little heavy.

However, I think the voice would be great. I'm willing to read the first few pages when you think they're ready. Send me an email.

Posted by Jeraliey (Member # 2147) on :

I like the voice, but I was wondering if it might be effective to establish a storyteller situation before jumping into the story. It might explain why the tone is so conversational and the comments are contemporary in flavor.

Posted by Wenderella (Member # 2464) on :

Is this all you have so far? If you have more, I would like to read it!

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I'm fine with this kind of narraotr; I could like this. I do think you've piled on so _much_ cute it's getting in the way of the story.

--
Nothing is more exciting than a dramatic event taking place at night.

Well...maybe some things are a little more exciting. All right, not just some things -- many things. The point is simply that night is a pretty good place to start a story, and yes, day is too, thank you, but this one does begin at night regardless of how exciting night is or is not.
[OK so far, but I'm ready for something to happen.]

To be more specific, it begins in a little cottage, where a witch named Jasmine was plotting evil plots with her cat. Of course the evil part hardly needs stating -- what else would an [E]*e*xciting story start with if not an evil plot? What, could a good story start with something as boring as a baby (maybe named "Harry") being dropped off at the doorstep of some random house? [Argh! Why are we talking about what the story ISN'T about? Let something happen!] Furthermore, you should note that this is no ordinary witch; this is the [V]*v*illian (drum roll, please!) [This cuteness was too much for me; I get resentful, thinking: don't tell me how excited to be, *I'll* decide]. Jasmine was well aware of her Villian status and was at the moment conjuring up the worst, nastiest laughs she could. The cat, Snuffles, was crouched near the fire and feeling far more genial than normal. [So whose POV? Maybe this is omniscient] As such, he let Jasmine indulge herself for several minutes before interrupting.

"You know," the cat said, "there is no one here besides us. You don't need to impress anyone. I already know how evil you are." [I like this -- I feel hooked.]

Posted by Keeley (Member # 2088) on :

Everyone here has made some very good comments (negative and positive) regarding the tone and narrator, so I'll just add that I like this beginning and hope you keep going with it.

Posted by benskia (Member # 2422) on :

Sorry to say that I found it irritating after the first few sentences & didn't read the rest.

Just not my kind of thing I guess.

Posted by Phanto (Member # 1619) on :

Thanks for the comments; I shall send out this Sunday night.

Posted by Phanto (Member # 1619) on :

Thank you very much, all.

Yet...I shall have to work on the bit longer before I think it is worthy of your attention. Please forgive me and do not feel any residual emotion; a reviewer pointed out a logical flaw that is quite griveous.